The old new

July 14, 2013 In two hours I will be 27. What do I have to show for it? I honestly wish I could say. I've tried to give so much of myself in all aspects of my life and maybe. N myself in but as I sit here in my hotel room in the Bahamas with the beautiful (to be the most generic adjective) view of the ocean, I know I'm only going to go back home to continue picking up the pieces of my lost soul. I pray to be found. It's really all I can ask The Lord. I just want to find it. I know who a, so it's not about finding myself at all. I just need to find my soul. I hate the feeling of trying to put my life together all over again when I was so close before. It was all there at my finger tips and within a blk of an eye everything was gone. He is still here and has not left my side till the last time he left my side. You k ow that moment en people turn to you and say "I love you. I'm just not IN love with you"? That's how this feels. I'm told to slow down but why would I have to censor myself all the time because he keeps himself so hidden? I know he loves me but I also now he isn't in love so me and that only has me asking myself why. Do this t myself? But maybe im just overreacting. Maybe I'm letting myself unravel more than I have. Maybe I'm just doing what I'm used to and sabotaging something good in my life because everything else has fallen apart. We put ourselves in these positions hoping for love, with a fear of eventual pain and hurt and then when we get what we want are just waiting for the floor t fall underneath us. It's been so hard my whole life to accept. Could have someone worthwhile and when. Have it. Can not assume the worst because how could t even be possible that I could find someone who cold ever really love me? And isn't this the way things are supposed to be for me? Isn't this the way they always told me it would be. It was never meant for me. "It will never happen for you." "No one can put up with you." "You are too much." "No one will ever love you. It's not their fault...it's just you." So help my soul. Maybe it's been missing because it doesn't want o be found. And why would I want to put it through the pain and frustrations of this? If letting go is losing myself where did I begin and when did I stop?