Heaven

There are these times that I think of where I could be and I realize it was never meant for me. This past week it was made clear that I was losing my hair. There was one spot that grew over time until you could see my scalp. It was terrifying. My hair has always been a huge part of my identity. It's the first thing anyone notices about me and its alwys been my favorite feature. It's a huge part of who I am and losing it makes me feel like i'm constantly losing a part of myself. Everytime I even grab my hair with my hands and feel that its less, a fear runs through my veins and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm afraid to wash or brush my hair. All I think about is cancer. I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me. I tried to retrace my steps. think of recent events and see where I went wrong. Where it was trying to give me a hint I needed to relax. was it that I told him I wanted to move in with him and he said he wasn't ready? that wasn't the problem. I think it might have been that it took him 6 months to tell me. I think because when I need him to tell me i'm beautiful. he just can't. he won't. and a part of that breaks my heart. I know he loves me dearly and utterly and I know he isn't a vocal person. the books told me everything I wanted to know but I think I shot myself in my own foot when I asked for that. the other side of that coin just reminded me that these were all of the things he could not say. I do think about that i'm going to be 28 this year and next year I will be 29 and for years after that you still won't be ready. I've fallen deep into all of this but you haven't. you've gone through the surface as far as your comfortable with because its foreign territory, but the practicality isn't always there and I just have to be understand. but you aren't understanding or unwavering. you are stubborn and you think too much and then I start losing my hair. the trouble they see makes me ache. I wanted them to have a good home and only put them in a dysfunctional one because I couldn't take them myself. I wish I had the means to give them everything they could ever want and need but I just don't and I cant only do what I can and hope God sees them. Not everything is bad though. I think i'm focusing on it because I want to do something about it. ut things are fine right now. i'm working and making money doing something I don't necessarily love but its working out and the new artists I manage are doing well for the moment and will do well soon. very soon. i'm going to make something of myself as I have always strived to do. I just wish this hair thing would resolve itself. I need yoga and a prayer