When it becomes something real

and somewhere in the midst of it you start losing who you are. I remember the day he told me I was a lionness before I had met him. And something about him changed me. Ever since then, I had always wanted to get back to that lioness I was and always looking out to see if I had lost her. My stomach is losing its cool right now as I think about how far it got. How much I'm not ready for anything like that. Every time in the past, I was ready for it. Not to say I was happy about it, but I was just emotionally and mentally ready for it to be over. But this. This I was far from ready for. I know I pushed and I realized the next day when he told me to shut the fuck up that I had pushed you too far. I know I'm afraid. and i know when i get scared I test you. I test you too much. I know there's a love there. I do. I know it. But...I need to stop finding the "but". You love me. I love you. That's it. I just want us to love each other. That's it. That's all I really want. I know if we just do that, we'll both end up getting what we want. We will both end up getting what we need. At the moment a part of me, a big part of me, still thinks you're ready to leave. You're already out the door and i put you there. Because of something I said out of frustration. I know I can apologize a million times, but I don't know if that's enough for you. I want to shower you with my love, but I don't know if i'm smothering you. I want to do everything I possibly can to show you you're everything I want, but I don't want to scare you. and there it is. That constant fear. That has me wondering, how did I get here? Can you forgive me? Can you see that I can be enough for you? I can be everything? Is that enough for you? Somewhere in your heart, do you still love me the way you did that night we were sitting in the silence of the fountain? Do you think of me? Do you miss me? The fear is like choking on my words. I don't want to say everything. I don't wany ask all these questions. and its not because you haven't shown me you care. It's because I don't know how far I take it. and i'm constantly afraid of giving too much of myself. giving too much away because what if its too much for you? but then again, I think i've already been too much for you. Obviously, this is a two way street and i'm not the only one with two much pent up issues. But where does the healing begin? where can i start? I want to talk to you but i'm afraid of overwhelming you. I need to start somewhere. because the last thing i want is to lose you. and when I think about where we were and where we've come, I think of how much better things have gotten. we are happier more times than we are angry or sad, but maybe that's what it is. maybe that's what scares me the most. For the first time, could i really have all the happiness and love i need in one person? and how do I keep it and have you wanting me just as much as I want you? I guess he was always right, Never play with something you should cherish for life. Cherish me.