In the depths of it all

I know what the problem is. I know where it all is. I can hear it in the words i sometimes relive just to understand. The sound of every one of his syllables in my ear and it breaks my heart every time. I understand now just how deep those were went under my skin which is why now i can understand how i hold responsibility for the way i question everything. for the way i wonder if i can spend the rest of my life like this and the way you respond "that's up to you" as if you just don't care only worsens my doubts. i want to believe in you. i really do, but i just don't. and i know i just can't talk about it anymore. she said i want a roller coaster not a merry go round. but somewhere this has turned into a merry go round. i have a history of accepting the emotionally unavailable. why? i have no idea. I can only assume what it means but then that would just lead me further down the rabbit hole. for now i can only hope that i get it together. together enough to know when i need to leave you. right now i just can't because i still love you and i feel like things are not all that bad. that we argue over stupid things but mostly because i'm trying to get some emotion out of you. she knows better than i do just how emotionless you are and she only tries to give me hope telling me that she knows you love me. i know that too. i just don't know how deep that goes or if it even goes beyond the surface. am i foolish for being here next to you? am i going to be just like them hoping just for the words to make it all worth everything? but he says it to her. he shows it to her. and sometimes in the very time that i don't expect it at all, you show up with the love you have. and maybe i don't need to get it all the time because i won't appreciate it as much, but for some reason right now, the way things aren't isn't going to make me happy. because i'm not entirely happy. and its naive to think i can be. but the fact that progress isn't even on your radar. is this how its always going to be? is this how you're always going to see us? just because you have gotten comfortable in the way things are right now you have no intent on progressing anything? i won't stand for it. and i won't put up with it. it isn't fair and you know it. just as well as i do. and then i'm caught up in the space between to force and to let you just do it on your own. but i already know you never will. and i think you do too. that you're never going to move unless i do. that you're never going to give unless i do. you mimic every step, every word, every gesture because you don't know how to do it on your own. or you just don't care to learn or to show or to say. and i'm hear wondering how you really feel. constantly wondering how you really feel and to just stop getting the "what do you want me to say" or "i don't know what to say" or the "i dont' know" response that i've gotten so accustommed to. Do you really love me? do you feel it? if i didn't try to hold you, would you hold me? if i didn't try to kiss you, would you kiss me? if i didn't try to be initimate with you, would you touch me? if i didn't love you the way you love me, would you still love me anyway? I'm starting to think i might have to make a change and hpoefully be happier in that change and if not then what do i lose? my mind is playing tricks on me and i know its not entirely your fault but i do know that you enable my doubts and concerns. and i know you say you are going to try and be different but then nothing changes and when i bring it up to you, you only agree with me. to what end? to appease me? is this all to appease me? but then who benefits from that? where is the change? tell me, "yes, i have changed and this is how i feel i've changed." where am i going? what am i doing? feeling lost never felt so confusing... if love was enough if love was the cure would you still be able to cure me?