This is where it starts

I'm thinking that if i write everything out I might have a better idea of what happened and where things are.

This month has probably been the biggest roller coaster of my life. and it all started with a young man. He looked like he was 17 but he was 20 as i read later that day in the news. He had decided that morning i guess as he waited for the train. I was on my way to work and walked passed him trying to just get a little more ways to the front of the train. the train was pulling into the station and within a split second the young man had jumped on the tracks and disappeared. The first sound was the high pitched screaming from the woman who stood next to him. I saw the hat he had worn fall a few feet away. I stood there shocked. and couldn't move. the train pulled in and everyone was evacuated from the train. once everyone left, the driver was sitting there facing me, crying and shaking. I left when the fire fighters came down with wooden triangular objects to lift the train and take his body.

Shock is a simple word for the occasion. stress is an even simpler one for the aftermath.

My traumatic experience didn't seem to stop his incredibly selfish behavior. My support wasn't here and I was alone. To fend off my need to jump over our dining table and punch our live in guest in the face. But it is his best friend and it isn't my place. but we talked it out and no matter how many times he sees his best friend doesn't hold the same loyalty as he does. He still won't let it go. I get it, but the time and energy into someone who won't accept your friendship can turn into something more painful that i can not make any decisions on. it is his best friend, it is his relationship to evaluate.

so then i forget it, I go spend time with my kids and everything seems ok until i took the pregnancy test and got 2 vertical lines. I came back home and on monday got my blood taken just to be sure.

On Tuesday I was fired from my job, with no warning, no notice, no reason.

On Wednesday I got the call that I was 100% pregnant

On Thursday I made the appointment for termination for the following thursday.

I didn't think I could take anymore. I didn't know what to do. Except I knew what to do.

On Monday I had my first appointment to get a full check up. And there he was. His little flicker of a heart beat. His little head. and in that moment I felt something. I saw my baby for the first time and I didn't feel like a mother but I did feel something towards him.

He waited until he got home, and I showed him his baby. Love at first sight exists when a father sees his child for the first time. In this case that still held true, and in his heart he wants to keep this child. but in that moment i panicked. That I couldn't do this. that i was too overwhelmed by the thought.

Then i tried to think differently. I got the baby books and i made the pinterest board and it freaked him out but he still said in his heart he wanted this baby. his mind might tell him something different but his heart says yes. and then i realized. I don't know what my heart feels because i haven't asked it yet. Apparently I have time.

Our baby is 5 weeks. He grows a little more every day. and i have time. but i don't have time. and trying to figure out what my gut is telling me to do is probably he hardest decision i'm trying to wrap my head around.

God give me strength.