trouble is a friend of mine

I was fooling myself for a while thinking that it wasn't true. there was some kind of hoax played on me. that the casket that was lowered into the ground before me did not contain the body of a man that made me everything i was. that she wasn't there crying out how much she loved him because he husband of 54 years was gone and my grandfather was still alive at home with her while she cooked him dinner. but all of this came crashing through me like a wrecking ball.

I had to have that dream. he had to come to me in a dream telling me i couldn't go any further with him. i was dying inside. i am dying inside. i feel like there is so much of me that left with him and i can't help but feeling this depression is bringing everything to a negative. everything.

It is all starting to manifest itself in my mind that love isn't enough for me right now. i need conversation. i need to be told no. i need opinion. i need decisiveness. i need someone to put me in my place. because at this moment in time i feel like its all slipping away when it could all be saved. i never asked for perfection i only asked for an honest genuine feeling that i don't feel like i'm getting that i don't think i've gotten. and now that these emotions have been displaced everything that i've been letting slip over my shoulders is shoving itself in my face. and there is a hurt that can be manifested through that. and that has been manifested through that and i can't help but think that this could have all been prevented. that this could have all been ok if i didn't feel like i was the past and you are the me that was. and that's what is really killing me. feeling like i'm the person i despise is an awful feeling. no matter how much you tell me that things are not that way i can only see the obvious that i am that person not out of choice but by default. and now its starting to get to me.

because temptation comes knocking at my door with a smile that would knock you down and a resume' that would impress the dull. and i can't help but feel nothing because i'm hoping he'll change and i feel back in the same spot i was and i keep hearing that no one believes it will work. i keep hearing that it can't work after the point in which it is. and i don't want to give up on the potential i was so hopeful for but i also can't put myself back in the position of hoping for a change that will never happen. this space is going to be the make or break role that i need right now to get me to that point of conclusion. because right now i'm leaning towards a break i dont think i'm prepared for. not because he is an awful person and a bad other half. but because the things i were hoping would change havent and i'm tired of hearing that time is the issue. because it only pushes me further to the idea that maybe now isn't the right time then and that this could be better in the future.

because no matter how much temptation has its way of creeping up to my ear. its not what i'm looking for. its not what i want even if it thinks there is a potential future. i only see you in my sights when it comes to a future situation. i only hope that with time these issues that are pulling me two ways will be resolved. because i'd rather be only and satisfied than together and dissatisfied. it sounds so horrible because he hasn't done a bad job. its just that i can't be someone's decision making factor. i can't do that someone. i can't do whats been done to me. i just can't. it makes me feel so horrible inside and only adds to the frustruation and depression i have right now. i need someone who has me always saying no to temptation. my soul is crying out and if it isn't heard i know its only characteristic is to leave and move on by its own will. and no matter how hard i might try to stop it. if it is not proven wrong and if nothing changes. you are the one that closed the door to that chapter.