for reasons unknown

my past has decided to cruelly remind me of its presence. and i loathe it. i want to be bulletproof. i want a bulletproof soul. i'm really working on it but i find myself sometimes remembering that i'm not so tough skinned as i had always hoped i had been and i'm dealing with so many trigger happy guys. but it could be not that complicated if they would just stop. here we are reminding each other that perfection is at our fingers tips if timing wasn't so badly coordinated. i'm thinking about everything i could've had with him if he would've just gotten over himself and his issues and been the one for me. i'm thinking about the idiot who doesn't have the balls to just apologize to me but has to go through her. when it was me that was wronged. i'm tired of dealing with these people who aren't worth it. they just aren't worth it. they almost aren't worth getting back for what they've done to me and i leave it all up to karma. by the hands of karma.

but i still feel so frustruated in my own right. but i know i can only dream of something different and i guess for right now that's the best that i could hope for. so i'll keep writing because this all makes for a good list of stories. but i wish somewhere, someway, somehow, someone would just give me a break. even if its just for one night. i want to have fun again with someone who really cares about me. just for one night. to at least satisfy me this one time. it might be too much to ask for. but i'll ask for it anyways.