always holding you down

things lately have been hectic to say the least getting everything together for my trip to europe but i can't wait to leave. i need the break so bad. i've had so much going on in my head that i need to just let it all go. my mom being sick. my sister being stupid. my oldest friend's aunt dying. family stuff that only reassures me more how much i don't want to have kids because they don't need to be brought into this the way i was. but "it is what it is" i swear if i got another tattoo that would be it. story of my life. there's no changing the mindless when their only concern in life is themselves. not to say that you have to spend your whole life pleasing other people but just to have a care for other people because your life doesn't always involve you but the people around you too. we affect so many people on the regular its hard not to pay attention to who it is.

but i really can't wait to have a break my emotions are so distrot right now. i need my best friend. i miss her so much. she helps me so much through all of this and she herself is in desperate need for a breka with the hardships that culinary school has so gracesiously bestowed upon her. this is going to be a great vacation for the both of us to say the least. its just exciting to know we've planned this for so long and its less than 2 weeks away. so much so that i haven't even really thought about how my birthday is right around the corner. luckily i have amazing friends who remind me that they want to do something with me for my birthday before i leave too. they really make my world go round with the positive and loving things they give me on the regular.

thigns were looking up and i know i'm not really one to consider too much what other people say. i always just do what i want. but i'm starting to see what they see now. i feel so foolish. i feel so foolish. stupid. loving someone this way. and i'm starting to come to the point where i just can't do it anymore. because it really just ashame. not at the love. not at him. but at me for doing this to myself. its completely valid to have those feelings. completely okay to not be ready. but its not okay for me to be here holding on to something that i keep being told won't happen. and i can't keep doing this to myself. i'm tired of running into a wall when i finally feel that its going to let up. it hurts more and more every time. and i need to just let it go now. its going to hurt like hell becaues it already does. i swear i hear my heart breaking every time i'm sitting there and they're telling me i deserve something so much more. that they love him and they think we're perfect together but that its not fair to me to be here holding on when he's told me enough times it just isn't going to happen. that i'm not going to get that label. and i'm starting to see that they're right. because its just as okay for me to want a label as you not being ready. and although they are completely opposite feelings. we are entitled to both. it might end up being the hardest thing i've ever had to do. but i can't keep loving someone this way. it hurts so much all the time. its my turn to be selfish. that might sound bad but its really just the way i feel right now.

he came over to us real calm and cool. with a style i could get used to. she had set up the whole thing hoping to get me moving on my way. ironically so when you have a good friend that you know is only looking out for your best interests and your happiness, they're pretty good at picking the right ones. and so she did. she told me he was shy and really kept to himself. i didn't see that shyness at all. it was like i was a magnet. i know they talked to him about me but it already looked like he had made up his mind about me. not sure at first. she had already given me her speech that broke my heart and set me up perfectly. he was kind and interesting with the nicest side of funny. i was definitely intrigued. and so it happened just that way. the touch of his hand on the small of my back gave me chills. standing on the beach letting the water roll in with his arms around me. it felt nice but in my head i just kept thinking "why can't he do this for me? why can't you be him?" its awful i know. but its hard when someone new comes along that fits good and you have to get the other person out of your head. but as soon as he was holding me to keep me warm it almost faded away. the night finished later than we're used to. he gently kissed me good bye with an "i'll see you tomorrow". she told me she's never seen him like that with anyone before and that its a really big deal. since she's one of his best friends. i took that as something and not just anything.

the next night was amazing. full of dancing, laughs, and the kind of fun i always have with them. she straightened my hair on purpose i know because everyone always notices my straight hair. he came hugging me telling me he hardly recognized me. we went to the club and i danced my heart out like i always. it felt so free. he wasn't the best dancer but he danced with me as long as i danced and i told him that's what mattered. he could be the worst dancer out there but it wouldn't matter as long as he is willing to dance with me. he actually got better as the night went on. ironically i was looking around the club and saw my ex! haha he is so ugly now! i know that's mean but seriously homie. you're mexican with a jerry curl. ok sorry i just had to say that. anyways. she came up to me and told me his style is perfect and he is cute and funny and nice. and she is always blunt with me so i trust her judgement. he was completely charming. first time in a while i've had someone talk to me that i actually thought to give a chance to. i've been so distracted by someone else but now i'm starting to see. another amazing night that ended perfect. he asked me for my number, asked me when i was leaving for europe and when i was getting back. he told me he wants to see me before i leave. he might just come to my birthday dinner, but he said only if i invite him to come. he kissed me again and we parted ways.

everyone tells me how great of a guy he is and i can see that. the intrigue is still there and i guess i'll just see what happens. right now i can't really make any decisions until i've made some really serious decisions. because even though these things happened we were dancing in the club and one of the last songs was the turn your lights down low collaboration with lauryn and he's slow dancing with me and i almost want to cry because it only reminds me of him. i wanted him so bad in that moment. but it only made me realize more that he wasn't there. and i hadn't heard from him in a couple days. and it made it worse when this guy wants to kiss me and hold me and i feel like i can't get those things from him anymore. it hurts so bad its like a physical pain in my chest. i really thought he could've loved me the way i love him. but its looking like that hope is fading fast.

it is what it is....