ghost day

having one of those days when i realize i'm just a ghost walking around in this house. it seems every time i try to talk to her about something that happens to me she has to talk about my sister like i've never said anything to her about myself at all. i know that might sound selfish and it quite honestly might be but i'm tired of her thinking that because she made me grow up learning how to take care of myself doesn't mean i don't need a mother. but that seems to be the way things have gone. that she has to put all of her focus into the one that can't take of care of themselves. and as she said "that's a condition that has proven to be permanent". i would think by now i would get used to being the one that's looked over but even when its the simplest thing like getting my hair done. she can't even give me the satisfaction of just letting that be about me and not my sister. but she does it to me every time. its bad enough that i'm not talking to him and i have to live with the sibling i can't talk to, on top of 3 kids. but apparently there is no where else to go. i told her i would much rather be adopted by her mom and i'm sure she would do it too.

i guess it wouldn't make much of a difference because i would still be here. she tells me i'm doing great things and i just can't let this get to me and i know she's right and my life as a ghost is just something i have to accept here but its hard knowing your family doesn't even see you. ever. i wish my brother was here all the time. then i would feel like i have family. but maybe one day. i guess i can hope for that at least. and if that's all the hope i have in this situation i'll take it.

because i might that person hoping for some days but if that's what it takes to get out of here then so be it. and i'll be much happier. i'll be appreciated on my own than here hoping someone sees me as something more than something just happened.

i was glad that he backed off when i got mad. i am that person you just have to let be mad for something. i need to just be mad about it and i'll get over it. it was more of a "that sucks" that really being mad though. from my past i had never had that person to go with me to places with my friends. i think twice was the max amount in both cases. i guess i just got my hopes up that this time would be different but i was wrong for now. and i think that's why it just kinda sucked. but i did get over it because i'm not one to hold on to things unless its of a serious offense. and in which case things would've been a lot more different.

i didn't very much appreciate her tone and remark. i realize that i'm different from most girls and so don't get too touchy about certain things but don't try to shake my trust in a short comment. i'm sure you didn't mean to go about things that way so i let it roll off my shoulders, but i trust my man for what its worth. his past is his past as is mine and that's just that.

it was definitely strange to see him come to me and say hi. he seemed to be acting a certain way and i think a little offended i wasn't giving him the attention he was hoping for. but its kind of what he deserves and its just the way it is now. so it is what it is.

i really can't think of too much to write right now. which kinda sucks because i'm feeling like walking through the door i've unleashed a swift kick to the teeth for myself. but one step at a time. and i'll make sure i get there.