forget about the world, its just gonna be you and me tonight

i'm trying to figure out all the thoughts in my head. so here goes what i can gather.

he tried to give me money and i toldher to let him know i don't need his money anymore. i can take care of myself. and i can. and i have. and it might be a little more difficult now but i can figure it out i always do and so far i have and i will continue to do so. i might set my dreams too high but i'll always find a way to make them my reality. i still haven't talked to him and soon it will be a week which is not so bad we've gone longer but this time i care less than i ever have before. i talked to him about it and he's understanding if he didn't have so much unresolved issues with the man. but it happens and its the way things have been for us. it might seem irregular to a lot of people because its definitely irregular to us but this has been our life since we were kids and at times its absolutely tragic but for me as i see it, things could be worse.

today was my first day. and i met the owners of the magazine. kind of crazy for me to see the kind of atmosphere i've been wanting to get into and having an amazing day doing it and proving to myself that i can. this is the beginning of something for myself and i feel it. this opportunity didn't present itself for no reason. this could be what i've been looking for and i'm going to try and find what i can doing it. here's to starting my career...

i was lucky that i got to see him 3 times last week. that's not a record but still a great week. the more time we get i feel the better things get. i could spend all day with him even if we weren't talking. i know he wouldn't like that so much but still. it sounds so cheesy to say i like just being around him but i do. i like that i can just lay on his couch playing video games listening to him dj. its the perfect way to stay in. i just wish i had to balls to get up and dance which i usually want to but not exactly sure if it would be weird. and this is what i mean about holding back. i don't know why sometimes i get so scared to just be me. i want to just let go but sometimes i just get so nervous. i think is more being nervous than it is actually scared.

it was kinda funny to see his face when someone else was trying to get at me right in front of me. i kinda wondered before how he would react if that ever happened and he definitely seemed pretty bothered by it. but at the end of it all he knows he's going to be the one i'm kissing. i'm happy that he's there and i'm happy he cares and i'm happy i can show him how much he means to me. but i'm dying here. haha. in the sense that my body needs it. or at least i do and i'm dying without it and it kind of sucks because i feel like i can't let loose with it because i'm not sure if i should. i understand the circumstance and i appreciate it really. but at the same time you're killin me smalls! haha i guess i'll just have to hold out. but i don't know how much longer that's going to be.

thanks for always making me feel like i'm the only girl to you <3