inside out

Cause you know me inside out.

He says he's hoping that it doesn't take me moving to new york to get married. I'm not looking for love but a career when i'm there. its all about work. but she's telling me she knows i say that now but she thinks i'm going to go there with that intention and call her soon enough saying i'm engaged. i'm not thinking that will happen at all. i don't want it to. i just want to work and have my fun. this is my time to focus on me and find new parts of myself. although they might not be good there will be some good and i will have new experiences worth keeping.

i'm going about things like i don't care. you were gone. you were gone and i didn't hear from you for two weeks. i knew it wouldn't take long once you saw me again. and i was right. it didn't. you were back again wanting more. wanting more and all i can do is find myself wanting you to touch me one more time. when i talk to you i'm a bitch and you return with the same asshole remarks and yet we keep coming back for more because we know deep down none of it means anything at all. you know i only want you and i know you won't go there with anyone else but me. so here we are until time runs out. fun is so cruel sometimes. but it is meant to be this way. and i wouldn't want it any other way. we both know what we got ourselves into and that's exactly the standard i plan to keep with it.

they come one by one each day knocking on my door hoping i'll give them something. they say my short hair has something to do with it like i have some kind of new scent i'm giving out or something. i don't think its that at all. i think i just don't care. they all want something from me. they want something from me i don't want to give to them and that i don't have it in me to give to them. i don't look twice at them and keep moving but the calls and texts keep coming in like i'm supposed to respond or feel different. flowers and jewelry isn't going to work right now. i just don't want to talk to anyone right now. i don't want to get involved. i don't want to have feelings. i don't want any of the complications that come with any of it. especially here when i'm going to leave. no one is worth having feelings for right now. and like she said, i'm not bitter i'm just mad as hell. so say what you will but i just don't want love right now. i know its real. don't get me wrong on that. i just don't want it in my life. the last time burned to deep for me to want it anymore. i might have made it seemed like it didn't. i might have walked away with barely a peep. but inside i was screaming and yelling. i just didn't have it in me to deal with it anymore. sometimes its better to just walk away. and that's what i did. but walking away and letting go are two completely different things sometimes. and in this case, it is.