clean skin

i was telling her about all the recent events that i've been cautious about. she asked me why. she reminds me that i'm single and leaving. and although she's right, does that justify taking advantage? i guess it does for now. and i do want to have my fun. i just don't want to be someone i'm not. i don't want to be in any relationship. before or after i leave. i don't want to be involved. i don't even want to be close enough to smell a relationship. i just want to finish what i've started or at least work my way to getting there.

he begs me to go, hoping i will fulfill some kind of dream for him. the other one tells me what he thinks i want to hear but doesn't realize i'm not that kind of girl. he says what he wants in a way that comes from left field. and he is an asshole that gets what he wants because i can't say no when i was the bitch first. there is this circle and somehow i'm in the middle and don't really care.

none of them really mean anything to me. and i think that's what hurts him most. that he knows he can't get me to have those feelings for him. and i can see how that might be the reason he gets so defensive. and i hate to say it like that because it is mean but its honest. i really don't care about them. they are just these people and nothing more. these guys that have no real value to me and although they try to be, it just won't happen. my heart is hardened and i guess for now that's really okay. i'm honest with all of them. i tell them the truth. its not my fault if they let themselves try to prove something to me or change my mind. they just don't get that its not going to happen. and eventually i'll be on a plane and not looking back and then it really just won't matter.

i know i made the mistake of contacting you. and i probably shouldn't have and i probably should have listened to them when they said not to. but something told me to and i'm just hoping you don't take it wrong or harshly i really didn't mean any harm and sincerely meant my apology. you were always the best and the one i wish could've worked but not the one i felt was the one. i really wish you could've been because you were the one that treated me the best. you were the one that really loved me. and you were the one that really cared about me. that never wanted to hurt me and never did. and i'll always remember you for that. i wish sometimes that you still had my heart but it was never yours because i only really gave it away one time. and i've said enough about that.