and then she said it...

I was sitting there and realizing I didn't really know what I was saying. I was just talking to talk because I didn't want her to look at me with those eyes in silence. But then I said it out loud. I told her I just didn't see it happening for me because I didn't think I wanted it. It brings too much pain and hurt and in my head I know i've said this before and got his with a truck I couldn't deny but now I want to be back there where I don't care because when I was, I was good and happy. But then she says like its almost natural that she believes that's going to change when im there and im wondering why they think this move is like a marriage about to happen because all I can think of is working and getting my career off the ground because that ball is still just starting to turn and im not going to have any time for the inbetween nonsense.

To start the process i've dropped all of them. I don't want to be in those situations and I'd rather just let it all go. Mainly because I really want this. I want this so bad and right now I feel like it couldn't come sooner. And if all goes well and they get back to me I could be in for an even bigger start than I expected and my whole life is going to change. Whether it be for the good or bad I just really need it to happen.

I keep feeling myself letting okay and honestly its really weird. Its really weird to stop caring when I cared for so long. But its almost like a purge. I didn't think it could happen to be honest. At least not yet. But I think it comes with the territory of moving 3000 miles away. So help me God am I really letting go? And if ii really am and this isn't all in my head...why are you taking away my only real feeling of love? If its to mend my broken heart I know i'll appreciate it more later and im sorry I haven't said thank you yet. I know you're doing me a favor and helping me in the long run but you have to know how much it kills me to be the one that cared more, because here i was the fool that hurt more. The one no one understood why she kept taking him back. But I did and you made it feel ok then because I actually felt something for once. And if that was the lesson here then I know i'll appreciate it more for what it is later. I just don't know if I can right now. And im sorry for that. Truly and deeply I am. Because I know you are taking care of me the best you can and never give me more than I can handle. So I will keep my faith that this is all for the best. And you have a bigger plan for my life and my love that I just can't see right now. And that it really is okay for me to have my feelings even though one person couldn't.

Hope isn't anything without faith and they wont find happiness without effort. I will always try for what I love. That is my promise.

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