Why don't you

Fuck what you heard.

There are parts of people's lives that are supposed to make you stop in your tracks. But he comes across with these pieces of valuable information that have me slowing down but not stopping.

We went to enjoy ourselves. 24 floors up and I was engulfed in the lights of the city. With a drink in mu hand and feeling literally on top of the world, I couldn't care about the things i just can't change and the things that just won't change me. I was completely happy in the way things were in that moment but he crossed my mind and I just wanted to talk to him but stopped myself instead.

It was already the early morning when we left to go to the rowdy place with the mechanical bull. Dancing, drinks, laughs, and an all around good time later we parted ways but she went with me to further my wants and needs. I didnt want to just show up but it was too late to turn back around and I just didn't want to. We walked down the steps and I could hear my nerves pounding with the music of the club.

I gave my name and they ushered us in to where he was. I looked at him and just wanted to touch him. He had our drinks made and we headed to the dance floor. Dancing for a few more hours and then going back for more. She was distracted with a distraction and I was feeling something when he said, "that's her man." a truth and a lie mixed together. Officially unofficial without a word of any of it. We laughed and he made us another drink. And I knew I was going home with him. The lights turned on and everyone went slowly home. He laughed at me and told me he was jealous I got to go home with him and that he was my man. I smiled but was still unsure of it all. We walked out and the sun was rising. We got in the cab and I had no intention of doing anything but going to sleep. He on the other hand...

Mixed bodies, tangled emotions, and erotic scents of skin later, I was totally satisfied. He held me close as we went to sleep. All track of time was lost and soon the thunder and lightning outside was so loud it felt like it was outside his window and as the rain came pouring down he grabbed me close to him again and lifted me above him like I was jus a play thing. I felt the chills roll over my skin and felt the heat counter the coldness of the rain outside. Wrapped up in our own little world there, the day slipped from us. W left in the early evening and I ran caught in the rain to meet with her.

W ate, laughed, and caught up. She told me she had a friend she wanted to introduce me to and instead of saying, "I'm kinda seeing someone right now." I just permitted the date she was trying to set up. I realized that io just still can't put myself into the position of anything serious and its hard because I really enjoy our time together but I just need to still see what's out there right now because I'm still too jolted to find myself in anything serious with someone.

He told me I need to stop thinking so much and just let myself feel something. That he knows I'm doing this because I don't want to look at how I really feel. That might be true but it's mostly because I don't know exactly how he feels about me and I'm not going to do that to myself again. I'm not doing a back and forth thing with a hot and cold guy who thinks he can come and go as he pleases in my life. And so I put off thinking about how I really feel about it so I don't have to and tell myself a serious something is not for me because then I won't have to look at how I really feel and I won't have to go through this anymore with someone who really couldn't give a shit. I know you aren't supposed to have someone payforsomeone else's mistakes and I'm sure eventually I'll learn that with all of this but for now I just can't help thinking my heart has been through too much to be ready for this. And that has nothing to do with him. But everything to do with me.