dreaming

Sometimes I realize that my insecurities get the best of me. I look for things. for reasons why i have to be right. mainly about you. i feel this crazy need to know that you are a cheater, liar, insincere, whatever. Everyone has abandoned me and so have you at one time. and I know I make it seem like you'll never live that down. You have really. I know the other night i had that dream but that wasn't about you leaving me. it really had nothing to do with that. I have these other fears that i let me hidden behind another one. There's always something there. I know that, and i'm really trying to get through them. i'm really trying to free myself from it all, but it just seems like for everyone its been one reason or another. I know i need to remind myself that there is a reason why there was one reason or another. I was never supposed to be with any of them. They were never the person that I was supposed to meant for. I know that. I really do. I know i had to go through all of that heartbreak to know when something is good. I know that you are good. I know that you love me. I know that i love you deeply. But that scares me down to my core. Its supposed to. That vulnerability that has me hoping you won't break the heart I so shakenly put in your hand. I want to be confident you won't, but confidence is was broke my heart so badly before. Always knowing what I wanted and thinking i could have it. I like to believe that this time we have something we both want. Mistakes were made. problems solved. and although sometimes i find myself finding out things I don't think I would have wanted to know. My first instinct is to tell myself that he still loves me. That was a different time. We were apart. Does being apart mean bringing a girl into your bed? did it make you feel better? The cards said not to jump to conclusions. never to make assumptions. my mind is playing tricks on me because you swore it has been only me for the last year. My instincts want to trust you because you have never steered me wrong before. Even when you broke my heart, you were honest and I knew it was your truths shedding both of our tears. I am trying to calm myself. my suspicions. and then I realized. what does it matter now? I was honest with you about what happened during that time. if you weren't completely honest to spare my feelings or because you knew i would never come back to you if i really knew. is it selfish? because its true. If i knew there was someone else in those 10 days I would have never come back to you. I would have turned my back and walked away from you. But now what does that change? I guess that you wouldn't have been completely honest with me. 6 months later, where would it put us? would my faith be shattered? would my trust be torn? Will i let it eat me up inside? The more I type the more I can feel the heat of my skin taking over my face. because it doesn't matter now. it really doesn't and i can let it eat me up inside and push a wedge between us. but how is that going to help anything? I would be the one to break both of us that time. It would be me killing both of us. and i need to just stay calm. you are human. i am human. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess. i guess...... I want to lose myself in us and at times i feel like i rally have. but then i lose so much more sometimes. i lose... i lose. and i lose and i lose and i lose. it seems to always happen that way. and i keep fighting with myself. its always this internal battle and i can't just let it go all the time sometimes it just sits inside me and grows and grows and i want it to die and i want to kill it but my subconscious is so afriad of love. because it was always recurring. it was always returning. it was always undefeating and wouldn't flinch or bat an eye at me. but then you kiss me and it always goes away. and i almost want to hate you for it but i can't and instead i just smile and i still hate you for it but it just all disappears. and i realize just how much i love you.