tip toes

Sometimes there are these times when I find myself not just a fork in the road, but with multiple prongs so to speak. There are opportunities to be had but there are failures at my fingertips. I want to make the right choices but it seems to be that i've only ever learned most from my mistakes. and so i continue to make them thinking that i'm making the right choices. I can let myself bury further into my hole but a part of me is still fighting. which is exactly why I get excited when even a small glimpse of hope presents itself. But at the same time i am not hopeful. I let myself fall into the same routines hoping to forget i have things i have given up on. I want to write. It has always been everything. To write. and here i am writing to myself like its suppose to open the door of my conscience to find exactly where and what i should be writing. My imagination almost left and i had to restart it all. Sometimes i wish I could do just like the ones i see who drop everything and travel to a far off land to live for a month. and I know a part of me knows I can do it, but I have other things i want more here. I have traveled much in my life as is to be able to be satisfied with the circumstances now. I have plans and ideas. wishes and dreams. I can make magic happen if I still believe it will. But I go through these random times when I feel like i'm losing it all again. But then there is a taste of optimism that keeps me fighting to eat on the life i have always wanted for myself. more or less the life i've always wanted for them. He calls me and I can hear the despair in his voice. I can hear the tragedy of wanting to just be loved. He wants so badly to just be loved the way she has ruined her life to find it. The way I doubt it will ever happen the way I hope. He talks as if all hope is lost and at times I find myself just wanting to shout because with all the bitching and moaning there is only a blame game that circles the drain to their marriage. They want to fight, and they don't want to fight, but they really don't want to do anything about it. They don't want to sit and just admit that for one of them, the love is just gone. But then what do you do? there are children. there is a marriage. but more importantly, there is a woman and a man who were supposed to love each other till the end. I can understand his pain. I get that we grew up a particular way. We grew up always having to prove that were worth loving and we always hoped to find that person that could. it was always a mission in life, but I chose different. I chose to put myself first. No matter how selfish that was. I chose my career path. it led me across the nation. I continue it here and because of it, i found the one who loves me. By any means that it turns out to change, I know I found the one who loves me. And i love him. My brother has lost himself in his idea of love that has been lost on a cold heart. He hopes to warm again, but i'm afraid its been lost in its ways too long to see him anymore. I can only hope for the kids, but the kids are alright.