Bet

That moment when you've literally been applying every day and nothing seems to be working. nothing seems to be giving. you get a glimmer of hope and then you think "maybe this time something will change" but then it doesn't for one reason or another. I feel so tired. So rejected. So exhausted. My mind, heart, and just being can't seem to take the constant rejection, every day for months on end. Then I come home and sometimes there's even more rejection. Not to say that its there all the time, but sometimes I make rejection the whole of all my problems. He can't talk abou this love...rejection. He can't be intimate with me....rejection. He can't consider our future...rejection. Four job rejection emails today....rejection. Your resume is "too junior" (even though I have over 5 years of experience)...rejection. I am not the father that's going to say i'm sorry or tell you i'm proud of you...rejection. There's so much rejection that I am constantly having to fight against. Maybe the key is to just stop fighting. I have happy moments in my life. Don't be confused about that. I get sick and he's there. even when I don't think he will be. A part of me is sad that I don't expect him to show up or that I expect him to say mean things. But he doesn't do that when i need him and there is an acceptance there. I am just having a hard time right now. I have a way of focusing on the bad without realizing, I started my own business. That is actually doing well. I have a man that takes care of me when i'm sick and looking my worst. Who still tells me he loves me every day before he goes to sleep. I am a better parent to my kids than my parents could have ever been to me. I am trying constantly trying and I have accomplished more than i'll ever give myself credit for because it still isn't enough. I guess I can't expect to be enough for him when i'm not enough for myself. But then i'm only saying this because I just got a very disappointing email about an opportunity I thought i was a sure fit for. I know you can never be too sure but its nice to dream from time to time. That maybe this time. just maybe this time... He will see me.