you're stones won't ever hit me again

it felt like this great achievement. this amazing news to know that i had this amazing opportunity come my way. I feel like its something so big for me because this is my chance. this is my chance to meet my dreams. this is my chance to do all the things i had set out for myself. and i know when i show up on monday i'm going to hit the ground running. i have creative ideas i want to share and this is my opportunity to do that and get involved with all these amazing things. and i completely plan on taking the bull by the horns and going with it to the very best of my abilities. because i've only ever had dreams to make them come true. thank you God for giving me this drive to do things beyond the doubts i've ever had in myself and the doubts that other around me have tried to plant in me.

i feel awful that i can't be there for her right now. i sent her a care package because that's all i have. but she knows if i could've had it any other way i would be there with her helping her get through this. being her support system but i'm grateful she has someone there who really cares about her and is willing to go out of his way to take care of her.

he gives me a feeling i didn't think i would get back again. and i find myself not wanting to show him as much as i would like to because i'm afraid it will change the way things are. the way things have been going is so nice. i feel like every time i see him things go a little deeper. it feels nice to have my best friend and my lover be one and the same person again. i like the way i feel when i'm around him, even just talking on the phone. its nice to feel like he cares, and i'm happy that i can show him how much i care about him by being myself and a girlfriend i think he can appreciate. sometimes i wonder just how much he feels when he looks into my eyes.

he found his excuse to walk out the door. i think about how i knew this was going to happen. i knew it was going to come. but i still can't understand why he would leave his family this way. why he would break his wife down that way. why he would be this way. and i don't sympathize. this is a hard situation for us too and we don't like it either but you don't see me saying "fuck you guys i'm outta here." no because i don't give up that easily. i go through the hard times because i happen to believe that once they are over something good is inevitably bound to follow. even if its just a small glimpse of happy, as long as its there i will continue to move on. maybe that's just me. maybe i'm the fool for believing things to be that way. but i would like to believe God blesses me sometimes. i like to believe that God puts me in these hard situations so that i can appreciate all the other great things he puts before me. I take happiness out of the small things like a small flower or a beautiful moon because it makes me feel like despite everything that might be bad in my life, there is still beauty in the world. there is still someone who loves me. there is still someone i count on. and there is still a life to live. my life has been full of people who came and went as they pleased only to break my heart until there was no more to break. but i learned that they don't matter. they don't matter enough to break me apart anymore because i'm going to keep on with my life. I've been blessed to be able to walk, see, hear, smell, and have my other senses. i'm blessed every day i get to breathe. and i'm going to advantage of that and live it to the fullest and anyone who wants to leave is not going to stop me from doing that. not even my own father.

i've put up with enough of his verbal abusive tendencies. and years ago i let it go because this man will never accomplish in his lifetime the things that i have. this man will never be where i am because he decided being a bully and dropping all of his opportunities was a better life for him. he has gone through his own hardships and i'm sorry for those, but he let it change him into and angry,bitter, negative person and i'll be damned if i let him turn me into who he has become. i have the opportunity to do something with myself and i'm going to do it. once upon a time you used to break my heart and make me feel like the smallest person in the world. you used to make me feel like the piece of shit you told me i was. but never again. never again will i ever let you tear me down the way you used to when i was a kid. i'm a woman completely capable of amazing things and i will do it all despite you. i will do everything i set out to do without you. because i have this far. you never comforted me through any of the bullshit i had to go through you only made it even more worse. and if you leave now, i won't ever have to deal with it anymore.

i remember sitting in the office, in that chair, explaining to an outside view what it was like to live in this life with you, and the sympathy and remorse from a professional is not always easy to swallow. i've known for far too long i just needed to get away from you, and now you've done us both the favor. because from now on our relationship will never be the same. and yah i do feel bad about that to a certain degree but really, you ruined our relationship a long time ago. so there isn't much of a relationship to cry over. and i honestly don't feel sad, mad, depressed, angry, happy, joyous, or anything. i am indifferent to you now. and that is the worst feeling you could ever provoke from someone. indifference. because the opposite of love has never been hate, but indifference. when you just don't care whether the person comes or goes. and that is where i am now. this is the place you've put me. and i just don't care. i'll deal with it all just fine, on my own time, in my own way, and move on from it the way i have with everything else. with a smile on my face and a sincerity in my heart because i will never stop being true to myself.