Up in smoke

I watched myself hit a place where I lost total control. I haven't had a panic attack in so long I almost didn't recognize I was going through one, until I realized I had to let it all go because there was oohing I could do at this point. It is all out of my hands. And that gets me to where I am now.

I was packing the rest of my life in bags last night and came across the last memories I had of you. I don't exactly know why I held on to these specific items. I just know that they were there and I kept them out of sight. I read and looked over them one last time before tearing it all up and throwing it away. But it made me realize that loving him means I've finally let you go. But loving him means repeating my past in a very specific way. I can't just do that anymore. I know it will only break my heart again.

You might think I can't be so sure. But the pain I went through had a hold on me for so long I reuse to do that to myself again. If I'm not who he's looking to be serious with, then I might as well just walk away now. It's been 4 months. And like he used to tell me, if he's not ready by now, he'll never be ready. It's already hurting just thinking about it. But I know I can't let myself have these feelings like this and know that he can't be there for me the way I want even after 4 months. I can't make these feelings stop just as much as I can't make the same mistakes.

I fell in love with him. He's everything I want and because of that I have to let him go. This might not make sense now, but I don't want to be there 2.5 years later hearing him say its still not me and drive away with my broken heart in tow.

What I wouldn't give for you to be kissing me now.