Get happy

Where the chips may fall is not always where I want them to be. He says I need to get happy. Really? Just like that? They all tell me the same thing. He's confused. He's scared. He doesn't know what he wants. And all I hear is all the same shit I've heard before. From wire to wire the tears spread. And why? Because you wanted to be selfish. He was right when he said we were the only thing you really had control of in your life. Everything else was dismembered except us, so you took the one thing you had control of and broke it. You broke us. You broke me.

And I can sit here forever trying to rationalize your stupidity. But I can't. And I only call it stupidity because of the true definition of the word. What you are doing doesn't make any sense. It might hardly make sense to you. But it is far from it. If you were watching a great movie would you leave 30 minutes into it? If this was moving too fast for you why didn't you consider I would be gone the next month and a half? Things would've definitely stopped for a little while then. But instead you stepped out of us and if its what you needed then so be.

I hear the, at least he did this mow and not further down the road. Yes, thank you. Thank you for breaking MY heart now so you could not potentially break it later. Like really? That's so fucking stupid. None of us know what's going to happen tomorrow let alone 10 minutes from now to make such extreme choices. But I start to see mow everything was extreme for you. You go from one extreme to the next with no medium. It's be with me or nothing at all. You are an all or nothing kinda guy.

She said I have a black belt in this kind of situation by now. And she's right. Fuck my feelings at this point. My heart has checked out. I don't know when it's coming back. I'll get over this just as I did before. And I'm going to do tis different. You might think about me and contact me like you did this morning. I know you we're thinking about me. You showed your hand. But if you want to be gone, then do just that. He tells me he is utterly convinced you will regret this eventually because you will realize the person I was for you. That I could have been part of your purpose. Because you were part of mine. But now what am I supposed to think after this?

I'm taking the hit and waking up to a text no matter how friendly it might be, sets me back to square one. But it won't be like this for long. I hope you recognize that. With the past I've had to go through, I'm not the same. You want to abandon me like everyone else, you will be on that list with everyone else and I will move one faster than you think. Not because what I felt for you wasn't strong or real, but because I don't see you the same way. I'm not counting on you contacting me again. Maybe this time apart might sow you that you really do want me or that you want yourself more. Because that seems to be why you made the decision. Apparently everything we were was more about you. And it hurts more to know.

To know falling love with you meant me losing my heart. My love won't disappear over night but I can already see it leaving slowly from all of this because I'm sad over this. I'm so sad over this. But I'm more sad that you did this to us. Not just to me but to us. And your tears are validation of that.

And when I go to sleep I can still feel you hurting too.