When the winds of change

Actually change...what now?

I left and I was we'll prepared to leave everything behind me when that plane took off including you. And a part of me really had and I had nearly convinced myself of it. But then I landed and was completely taken in by the sun and warm breeze of Austin. I attempted to dive right into my work and forget all the hurtful words I had read the morning before. It to say they were hurtful in a malicious way, but in a way I knew I couldn't change on my own. Everything was fine and they were throwing out their lines trying to catch me the whole time. I let them have their chase and one got very close but came on too strong for my taste and as the sun was rising i was ready to sleep than mingle.

The days went by and something was still missing. I'm not going to lie that a majority of my day was spent with everything that had happened following me by the way side. But then it creep up in me and tap me on the shoulder reminding me it was still there following me behind the shadows of my neglect. The day before we were to leave to Portland, I finally gathered the emotional strength I needed to tell you how I feel while at the same time trying to maintain my levels of anger so I wouldn't explode and internally implode. I sent the words a long with the music that I knew you would read as the sign I needed you to. That although I was hurt and angry, you were still so much of what I wanted.

As we boarded the plane to Portland I could feel myself sliding down the rabbit hole of the feelings. Thought I had moved past. When we landed it was all back and I was consumed. I was feeling the pressures of my emotions and she could see it all over my face. I was barely holding on to the last straws of my memories and when I read the text my heart stopped.

I called her immediately because I knew she would know best. She told me the advice I knew I needed to hear and I knew what I wanted. You called and the conversation started. I tried to hide the nerves in my voice but my exhaustion made it effortless. I didn't want to have the full conversation at first but when it started to unfold I just couldn't stop it because I knew if it wasn't said it would all be lost on my capability to move on with distance and time. The words I wanted to hear came through the receiver and as I tried to hold the tears in and as I heard what u wanted to hear I all at once remembered the disappointments of my past. I couldn't get ahead of myself because this was all too familiar.

I remember the, "I want there to be an us" conversation that only took a month to turn into "I can't/okay maybe I can" that then took another 3 months to officially become "I just can't". I know you are different and I'm not trying to hold my past against you I just know how to learn from my mistakes and instead of rushing into this even though its what I want I need to know you're as sure as I am. So far there has been no reason to doubt and its incredibly clear. From the affectionate gestures to the way you look at me. There is no denying this time it's real, but that still doesn't mean I can just jump in and forget everything that happened. There is a trust that needs to be re established.

But above everything, all of my feelings are still there and have not changed but only gotten stronger.