don't know why

its a week from christmas and i'm starting to realize that i'm finally getting excited for it. i've been really numb to the whole idea lately. don't get me wrong i do enjoy getting gifts for my friends and family and watching their faces when they open it cuz i take pride in knowing the right gifts to give people. but its been seeming like christmas is not my time of the year anymore. but i guess that's just the way it goes. i'm really just hoping that 2010 holds a lot more opportunities for me than '09 did. i've had a lot of heart break this year the biggest being losing my grandfather and that still weighs on my heart. so i'm trying to keep all my hopes up that my luck will finally change for this coming year and some good will happen to me. i heard this song the other day and the guy sings "all i want for christmas is to give my love away" i was always hoping that would be possible for me, but doesn't look like its going to be this year. which i'm not entirely sad about mainly because the move will be coming soon. i'm starting to feel like i'm getting pulled in the direction i thought was going to be my natural talent and i'm starting to think it might be the best idea. but i have to finish this book. the prologue and chapter one are pretty much finished. its just a means of getting the rest together which i think i can do. i keep looking at my brother's bob marley portrait i should have had done a while ago and i start working on it but not for long. i can't seem to get myself to spend that much time working on it. i mean i've gotten a good chunk of it done but its still has a lot of work to be done on it. i can do it. i guess. haha

i'm so scattered brain i feel like this year has kicked me around a lot harder than any before and i keep finding myself standing up after every single blow but when is it enough to just stay down. but my stubborn self just can't seem to stay on the ground. i know i'm learning something from all this and there is a growing experience from all this but it would be nice to catch a break every once in a while. i mean i understand not all the time. but once in a while. and i hate that i'm hoping my one break will be me running into love like running into a wall soon. i guess i'm just going to have to wait till i move and start my life all over again. won't be the first time and i'm sure it won't be the last.

i don't know i guess i just...
never can say good bye