let's keep it real this time

because this time we just have to jump and worry about all the "crazy" stuff when it comes. I want to take this for what it is now, give it the best i have to give, and make it mean so much now because i don't want to regret any of this later. I want to be able to say I gave what i had to give and it was the best time i had. I definitely appreciate the honesty and the real conversations of not being afraid of just saying what i have to say and being able to say it and knowing that i can listen and not get all upset because you aren't down for a long distance thing, but know that i've always respected you and the way you feel and i'm going to keep doing it that way because now, this time. i really feel like it feels so right. i'm always hoping you feel the same but i'm pretty sure you do. It just finally feels like it clicked and the rest doesn't matter right now as long as we're happy and let everything go on its way the way its meant to go. organically right? haha

i've been getting a little discouraged with not really having too much to do besides work. yah, i fill my day with things i have to do likes chores and applying left and right and getting things done. i think i need to get back to writing this book and fill some of my time doing that. it will help with me having all this time on my hands because i need to be doing something i'm going a little crazy not feeling like i'm being more productive. i know i'll figure something out and this is just the matter at hand right now i just need to do how i always do and find a way to get myself out of this hole. i'm sure i will at some point or another. i'll be damned if i don't get what i've worked hard for.

he talked to me today about the way he felt about what happened. i saw he was getting a little choked up about it because he really did lose one of his best friends. enough to make the man my godfather. and all i keep thinking about is how much this man helped me in my life. never failed to provide for me. he always had saving bonds saved for me every year that helped out a lot with college. he gave me a huge check when i graduated, more than anyone else in my family. when i came home from europe the only birthday card i had in the mail was from him. he's the reason my parents had a way to send me to summer camps cuz i had no where else to go during the days in summer and the neighborhood was too dangerous for me to stay alone. he helped with so many things to help me. and yes at first i was devastated because it came out of nowhere until i realized that the last thing i told him was how much i love and appreciate the love he's always shown me in my life and everything he's every done for me. i told him how much he meant to me and how much he would always mean to me. and when i think about it, it is kinda crazy that i said my good bye without ever really knowing i was saying good bye.


its kinda crazy to see how far we've come in the last 5 years. she says wait until the next 5 years and we'll be ballin'. haha still laughing at the fact that she used the word "ballin'". i'm so proud of her for starting her own business and getting things going for herself. she's the reason i push myself to do even more and i'm just glad to see her doing something she loves and making something of it because i know she'll be phenomenal at it. no doubt about it. but that is why she's my person.