caught in the crossfire

we sat there having our drinks. I told him everything that had been going on and everything i was feeling. he just looked at me and said, "if he mans up and comes to the house and wants to talk, you give him the chance and don't listen to what anyone else is telling you." its ironic that something so simple could shatter all the doubt that had building up in my head. because i know he's right and he knows he's right. he told me i had done good with what i had done and now the truth was going to come out. and i understand that and it makes sense but at the same time i think i'm more cautious now than i ever was before. its good but at the same time i'm holding back so much more now than maybe i should.

i'm definitely done trying to interpret things and just taking everything for what it is. but i can't help but read all the words and see all the actions and think to myself "you're only going to prove yourself a liar once again". I don't know anymore if i can believe you. and i want to so bad because it hurts so much when you aren't in my life. and when you say you feel the same i really hope you do because i can't be the only one that hurts this bad. i keep deleting everything os i'm not tempted to call, or text, or email. because i can't keep trying the way i used to. not this time. you say you aren't holding back anymore and i hope you don't because this has to be different. we have to let go of trying to fight it. we both know we were foolish for trying. so if i let go i want to know you're letting go with me. because if i know you're still singing the same tune i'm going to pull back even more.

I didn't have it in me to tell you yet that i'm moving to new york. that i've already been looking for a place and its only a matter of time before you leave. i didn't want it to seem like a weapon of words to say you're basically running out of time. maybe you would take it more seriously than you already have if i told you. but i don't want to say it like that. because i at least want to give you the respect of telling you in person. because...you're running out of time. and i know now you're telling me that's your #1 place to move to now, but i've always kept true to everything i always said i was going to do. i can't say the same for you.

that might seem cruel, but its the thought i think when you say it. i hope you prove me wrong. i hope you prove me wrong all the time. i hope this time you're not lying. i hope this time you see i can really make you happy and all this hoping makes me feel like i could be completely wrong in losing my faith you. don't let me lose my faith you.