maybe baby maybe

i finished the beginning steps to starting new. its kind of surreal and a little scary. but mostly exciting. i'm ready. so ready to start new somewhere new. they talked to me like the wise couple they are. telling me that this is what they knew i needed and they completely understood my set backs but that i've never let anything hold me back before and i should now. and they are right and i know it and i'm not doubting it anymore. i'm not scared of leaving just scared of what it means for me to leave. I was looking at places to live and it almost makes it that much real. i guess its all in the hands of God and i'm hoping he has my back on this and i'm sure he does like always because this is real. it all starts here.

i get frustrated watching her have to be a parent again. taking on all those responsibilities she already finished because she is so worthless really. She hasn't done anything to prepare these kids for anything and here we are sacrificing ourselves and our time to make something for them when they've had a mother to lead them only into disaster and to fend for themselves. its really sad. but its so hard because she is not healthy. and in the first couple of weeks they were here her health was getting worse. she's been able to come back from it now and i'm hoping its really working and she isn't trying to hide it. because i don't want to watch her in pain because of the stress that's being placed on her. and its so stressful. so much so that i almost just want to rip her a new one for being so selfish. but i know it will only make things worse. i can only stay cool till the day comes.

i really wish this week would be over. i feel like i'm in a mood i just can't snap out of. and i really need to. i don't like feeling so blah. and that's the only adjective for it. blah. i need to get back up and be myself. and i mean i've been working on it and its been coming together slowly and steadily. and i'm so grateful for my friends. they've been so amazing with checking up on me every day to make sure i'm doing okay. taking me out as much as they can just to keep me distracted and lift my spirits. I never ceased to be amazed that they could care so much and it just only goes to prove to myself that i can be this loveable person that someone would want to take care of love back. its possible. and even if its just from them i think i would be okay with that. now that i'm starting to realize more the situation at hand i'm starting to become more and more comfortable with that. because with them there is happiness that i can't always find anywhere else. everyone always discourages looking at the possibilities because it might not be what's real right now. but dreaming of possibilities is always how i've made my dreams come true. there is something out there for me and i might have had to go through a lot of heartbreak to get there but i'm determined to get there. to that moment when i'm completely happy in myself and what i'm doing whether or not i have someone there to have that connection with me.

i do still go to sleep wondering if you're thinking of me too. i don't think that's so wrong. i know i probably need to stop. but at the same time i don't think its so wrong to hope that you think of me too because i finally remembered that the chinese sitar is called a "pipa" and i wanted to just email you to tell you that haha only because i thought you should know. i don't exactly know why i'm sure you know why more than i do. but at the same time i just couldn't. i don't know why i couldn't. i have so many voices telling me to cut of all communication and i think i have. but at the same time i want to email you a song. or tell you that its a "pipa" or how the girl on project runway said "cra cra" and it makes me tear up because this isn't fair. and i'm wondering if you see that it isn't fair. i'm wondering if you see that you miss me because we really did have something. i'm wondering if you're thinking that you really don't want to let it go as much as i do. and if you are...where are you?