in the depths of a modern romance

finding me is finding surprise.



sometimes i realize that i'm being really self conscience, cautious, and whatever other adjective that fits. He asked me if i was just waiting for a break up. that's not it at all. not at all. i believe this is something greater than the two of us. i want to take it one day at a time giving what i can and being happy. because i am happy. don't get me wrong it would be better to get a little more face time but i can take what i get and not regret or resent a moment of it. i constantly hope he feels the same and i guess that's where the self doubt starts to creep in. but i'm starting to feel like i can't let that matter. because if this is our shot then i want to love it for what it is. when i was trying to think of birthday ideas i'm not going to lie the thought of "why am i doing this? he ditched me on my birthday and didn't even get me anything and didn't even email me till the day after or something like that. I shouldn't even be doing anything for him." but then i realize none of that matters.

nothing from before matters. the only thing from before that matters, is the fact that we grew so close together, a bond that obviously can't be broken, no matter how hard we try. All the other things can go out the window. and in all honesty, i love that this is a new beginning. like starting something new. because it really is. we didn't have this title before and even though most things won't change, some things will that will make this experience different but i'm thinking in a good way. so what's the point of holding on to some grudge? because i know when he's standing there completely happy in something i've done for him for his birthday, he'll be happy, and isn't that all that really matters? because its realy all that matters to me. i've always lived my life doing things that make me happy or i feel lead to making me happy because i want to be satisfied.

she said "you seem really content. and it never takes much to make you happy, but this is the happiest i've heard you in a long time and i'm relieved." i love the way i can talk about nothing at all and she always knows exactly how i'm feeling. anyone could be the love of my life, but she'll always be my soulmate for that reason. because i am content and happy in this. when i'm asked about it, i automatically smile, for no particular reason at all. when i see he's calling it makes me happy to know he cares enough to see how i'm doing. maybe i'm just being a nerd in my own head. but i don't see why it matters.

she came crying and i told her she needed to stop. she's putting this distance between them and at times i don't know how i feel about it. how much would i care if he left? how much would it hurt? to be 24 and have that happen? and i know it would be because of her and if it happened knowing that i would never forgive her and i would never speak to her again. it sounds drastic but its completely true. there's just no way. that would be the straw that broke the camal's back. she honestly better hope that is not what happens or she will have to fix it.

i'm growing restless. i need a career already. i want to start life and i feel like i'm standing at one point. there is something more i could be doing but so much of everything else is blocking me. but i'll be damned if it blocks me for long. i'm going to figure this out. and i will get what i want. there has to be a way and i'm going to figure it out. i will figure it out. in the mean time i've been reading a lot more which always helps my mind relax. i need to get back into my book. its been waiting for me and i have so many ideas. its just filling in some gaps.

i still think something amazing is going to happen. something that is going to change everything. it seems to be the way things always went. i told her "its a tragic comedy, because its so tragic is comical. something has to change eventually, my life can't always be this way." and its ironic because i realize how melodramatic that sounds, but if you only knew the half of it. when the professional says, "you are the most complicated person i've ever met." you know you've done something different. but lucky for me it turns out it didn't have anything to do with me directly just having to know and go through everything and still somehow be a positive person. now i'm just hoping positivity puts me in the right direction. i want many things but i'm starting to think i should stop wanting and just start makig things happen. i've always been the person to try for everyone and everything else without anyone or anything trying for me, but i think its time to change that.

love, love. love...