these are the pages of my diary

i'm sitting down writing my good bye letters and i realize how hard it is to really say good bye to someone. ALthough most of these are see you laters more than farewells. But at the same time it is hard. and I'm realizing next week is next week and it's coming so close. I feel like i'm close to redemption when i could be in for the greatest fall of my life. and i would think i would be scared but i'm almost relieved. I always dreamed of a life outside of these walls and its so close i can feel it. I know there is happiness on the other side that i had only dreamed of.

I was driving home in traffic today. letting the music take my mind somewhere else from where i was. I realized that I always knew. I always knew we weren't going to make it. and it has me wondering why i'm still holding on to my feelings. i'm completely determined now more than ever to let them go. he says that once i leave i'll most likely leave all of it behind. i'm hoping he's right because that is exactly what i want. and i know once i take a step into my new life, i'll take a deep sigh of freedom from this pain. Because i've been hurting in this too long and its pretty much ridiculous at this point. i'm sure you think it is too. I can't keep wondering if you feel this like i feel it. because i keep thinking of just saying good bye to you but i can't. and i don't think i could. and yet, i'm still thinking, "What would he say to me if he could say something right now?"

I started my music blog the other day. I am actually really excited about it. i'm glad to even have one person that reads it but apparently there's more than one which is nice. you can check it out at thesebeats.tumblr.com. hopefully people like it. i'm trying to be diverse but i'm really just putting out what i hear of that day or something i just want to share with whoever wants to read it. music will always be my deepest love and its loved me just as long as i've been in love with it.

tomorrow is my going away party with my friends. i'm almost scared because i know its going to be a hard for me and even though i'll probably be drunk, i just don't know how i can handle knowing that will probably be the last time i see some of those people for a while and some forever. but i'm also very excited to have all my closest friends around me in the same room. What a night its going to be. time to get some sleep now so i can make it through tomorrow.

today i thought about you. tomorrow i won't.