best thing i never had

Friday was my going away party with my friends. it was incredible. i'm so happy to all those that came out and showed their love. It was definitely harder than i anticipated that day. I guess because i knew that would be the last time I saw some of those friends. Its kind of crazy to think of things that way but its true. But that didn't stop me from having the time of my life. The place was packed and everyone kept telling me 95% of the people were there for me. I felt so special and loved. On top of the fact that I was totally wasted. haha. It was an incredible night and I definitely won't forget any of it.

AT one point he took me outside and we talked about what needed to be said. It was heart breaking and it made me cry but I was vulnerable having been drunk. I told him the hardest part was that i couldn't understand why it mattered if i hated him, didn't want to talk to him, or didn't want to be his friend. He told me its because he still cares but i know that's a lie or things would be different right now. he asked me what it would change and i said nothing. then he asked why i'm upset. and i said...."because i still love him." I felt like i had smashed a plate on the floor and the tears started coming and he hugged me. I went back inside and it was like it never happened.

the next day I woke up still buzzed. I texted all those who i needed to. then i told him how sorry i was for the conversation and that i didn't know why i said any of that. but i think i just needed to let it out. because i felt better about it the next day. because nothing would change. because he hasn't changed. and i would just set myself up for failure with that one yet again. I told him i knew what i didn't want. and that i don't want him. for one reason. i don't trust him. and that's enough for me not to change my mind.

he said something to me i wasn't expecting. and when he did it made me realize i was going to really miss him. I didn't think i would but i consider him a friend now and when he told me i had left behind things for him to remember me by. the way he said it just made me smile. I know i'll see him again. or at least i hope i do. and even though i don't want anything more than what we've had. I just really like that we could still be friends.

Today I said good bye to most of my family. It was nice to have them around but with all the questions for some reason i started to feel a little pressure. until my uncle sat with me and said, "I've never worried about you." he told me he's seen me take care of myself my whole life and although it was hard it is why he isn't afraid for me. it was encouraging to hear to those words. because sometimes i really do feel scared and i'm nervous. but those things have never stopped me in the past and they won't stop me now. i'm going to do what i dream of doing. and right now that just means leaving a lot of things behind me.