You don't have to worry

Because I'm coming back to where I should have always stayed.

We spent the day as I expected we would. And it was great as it usually is. Until that moment. And I didn't want to say it. I really didn't. But he was there trying to solve the problem or give me the solutions and comfort me but all I could think was "the problem can't be the one laying here trying to give me the solution."

And when I said it outloud. When I brought it to his attention. I wish I could take back that look on his face. That moment when his expression showed how much he hated himself at that exact point in time.

And at that same moment I just couldn't fight it. I couldn't do it again knowing I would only get the same results. Knowing that he's never going to really want me. Knowing that I'm never going to be his. Knowing that he would only break my heart again in the exact same way it was before. And I will be damned if I go through that again. So I sat there next to him telling the truth when I said no matter what happened I would never change once I walked out that door.

But once I did. He believed everything had changed. No matter how deep or real the connection, it was never going to be enough for him and no matter how heartbreaking that might be, I don't have the fight in me anymore to think I can change that.

I can never force him into anything and he knows that. And even though I have no idea how this happened. I still can't control it and I don't want to. He can't tell me why. And it makes no sense. But it's just the way it is and as of right now I don't know what to do about it or where to go from here. It would be easy if I could just give up on people. I don't have a quitters attitude.

So I go through my day hoping he's ok. Wanting to know if he's healing and feeling better. But I have to stop myself and know it's not me he's thinking about. And when I was sitting there looking away from him every time I felt the tears coming because I knew this is my fate. To always be so close to the possibilities of love but never in arms reach. And it isn't his fault or mine. It's just the way it is.