Everything

Once there was a time when this song was my favorite. I was a teenager hoping and praying love was still something possible. I thought about it all the time that i almost obsessed about it. It was also at a time when no one did. and they all let me know they didn't and couldn't. I went a long time with that constantly being the case and somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like i carried this song next to Sade's "King of Sorrow". Then there was soldier of love which I think has won over all. Because most of me wanted to just give up so bad and I think a lot of me did. slowly the feeling took its time to come back and make what its become now. It still has a long road ahead but the hope is starting to grow more. I saw the words and I didn't feel anything. I then saw the photos all over facebook and instagram and still didn't feel anything. I was more proud of myself in that moment that i didn't. There was so much hurt and heartbreak there for so long. Which is evident in all of my posts from those years. It took me a while to get over everything and to finally let it all go and i let the last of it go when i ripped up everything that was left and threw it away. It was a huge part of my past because it was that moment I thought I had finally let myself really love somebody and I did. But no for who you were. Not for who we were. But for the potential I thought we could be. None of it was real. Everything was this idea I had made up in my minds drowning in my "what ifs" like they were my salvation. I thought you were everything I needed, and it turned out you weren't even close to it. I appreciate the experience because I can appreciate going through the heartbreak I did. The pain that occurred because more than ever it made me realize the incredible love I am have and am capable of now. The next day it did feel a little weird. News I knew I would hear eventually and I did feel weird. But it all went away with him. It all went away because of him. He saved me from myself. I don't know how much he'll ever believe that or know it. But it is the truth. I neglected to stop it in that moment. I know you thought I didn't think of you. I did. I chose wrong and I apologize for that. I should have just realized the situation. Its new for me to consider how much you care now. Just as much as its new for you. I shouldn't make the excuse that you've never cared before but that's where my head was. I didn't think anything of it. But I'm starting to realize there are things that I have to know just because I don't take them as seriously, that you might and I need to think about that. It was never something I was trying to do to make you jealous or weird. Because you usually don't get jealous or weird. There was a boundary there and now I know that. I get letting you be mad at me for a little bit. and i get that when i'm mad i need to yell for a little bit to get over it. You seem to want to be quiet to get over it. I don't think that's going to help because I know us talking it out sometimes helps you more but I can't force you and I can't do anything about it if you don't want to so i sit there quietly and let you be angry at me because I don't know what else to do or to say. and I want to give you your space. But I hope you always believe i would never do anything to purposely hurt you. I want to be happy in the way things are going right now but i'm not. I'm not doing what i want and although this opportunity is better than the situation i'm in right now, its not what i want. I start to doubt myself and wonder what i'm doing with myself. I'm taking the deal because its the only one to take right now. I can always get out of it and i'm going to keep trying for other things. I just need something else. I don't feel happy to have this. Although, i should be grateful. But i feel unhappy. and the only time i do feel happy is when he's around. so when he's unhappy and i'm trying to cheer him up and can't i just start to feel...I don't know i guess i just.... I have to believe that despite my unhappiness, there is a plan for me. I can hide what I will, but there is a plan, and its meant for me. and as i've learned so many times before, I have to take the bad to get the good. to appreciate the good. and to know when it gets here.