Evolution

I've never seen fear than that moment I looked in his eyes as I was about to walk out the door. There was this pure moment of desperation as he grabbed my arm. I had enough of the silence. I was making a point. I need the words. I needed to know. and i was slipping through his fingers if he couldn't tell me. But it was all like a bad dream. It was by accident. completely by accident. I thought I was going to be looking at my e-mail. until the first one that popped up on the screen was the words I never wanted to read. The pain was instant. The feeling of my chest caving in had ruined me. my stomach couldn't take the stress and my hand was shaking as I dialed his number on my phone. He didn't see it coming but had a feeling. I raised my voice and I yelled. Now that I knew, I just needed to know. My heart was breaking just waiting and when the first words were an obvious lie, it was like a nail right down the middle with one more hit, it would have cracked and broken into a million pieces. I scavenged for my last bits of hope as his truths began to finally come through. Something so stupid, but so lethal all the same. His nervous laugh is where I couldn't stop my anger. It was as though he was laughing at my pain. I was hurt and trust was gone. And in my mind it was over. It was like an out of body experience and I was watching myself walking away. Not because I wanted to but solely because I wasn't sure if I could let myself be in a situation that would hurt me this much. I could hear the apologies in his words, and the sounds of his voice made it real. But these conversations over phone lines are not going to be fixed so easily. I went to sleep knowing he wouldn't. I woke up feeling utterly empty. I looked over to find his words of shame. But I still felt nothing. For a moment I was afraid that maybe the love had really left my body while i was sleeping. But then I realized as i was sitting on the train, the pain was seeping back into my body which could only mean love. I was hardly living, when I had finally had enough. I called her and she made it clear to me as she usually does. she talked me out of my tree and brought me back into the light. But I needed to see his face when he explained himself. He waited outside for me. We walked in silence. We moved in silence. We sat in silence. I needed to wash my body of the days turmoil. I sat there and asked him why. He sat in silence and i just couldn't take it. This was a moment of do or die. and he sat in silence. I told him I would leave without words. and he sat in silence. I had enough when I got up. but his eyes i can still see when i close mine. He expressed his fears and I understand but I can't understand detroying the thing you love the most. But then again, neither does he. Our lives are becoming intertwined and he never accepted it until now. That feeling of utter pain from the thought of losing everything was everything in itself. That moment he laid his head in my lap and the truths of his real fears came out, I couldn't help but want everything we are in that moment. I never knew just how much he loves me until then, and I'm sure he didn't either. There has only been one other time when he showed me and told me how much he wanted and needed me. And even this time was much more than that. This time his love finally came out flowing around use like the perfect wave. He wouldn't let me go, afraid that i might magically disappear from his sight. The next night we talked, we walked, we embraced, and when he took me home, we made love for the very first time. The music was filling the room as his hands moved down my back and I could feel his skin on mine. I could feel his love with every passionate kiss. I knew in that very moment the things I had always known from the moment I knew I love him. The man I would spend forever with was holding me in his arms and the world around us seemed perfectly at peace.