Revelations

Last night I had a dream about you. We were here sitting in a park. You were telling me about her and I was telling you about him and everything was fine. I was eating mamoncillos and you asked me what they were. I told you they were quenepas and you took the branch in your hand. The leaves began to wrap themselves around your neck. I told you to be careful, but you told me you were fine. and you were as if you didn't care. In that moment I realized that it doesn't matter how I feel about any of this. Not that it doesn't matter so much as it doesn't matter to my situation or yours. Regardless if i'm at peace, angry, sad, whatever. It isn't going to change anything. That's what I needed to understand.
Sitting across from her at that table and talking about everything in such a real way she knows what it is. We sat and she tells the story from your side which is why I think she always defends you. she was you in her situation and I was him. The one that had to learn to be patient. the one that had to stick it out even when you left. She left him too and she was the one that came back and knows how that feels. Sometimes I think I do have to remind myself that this is fresh for you and that you are really starting over in this. This is a fresh start. I like that I can sit with her and tell her exactly how I feel not feel judged but that's how its always been. she knows that I worry from time to time about your past situation because I had talked to her about it the day I read your note. and talking about it and then reading that just really freaked me out. I think that was more the basis of my freak out than anything else. Because if someone could come back from your past and make you think or do that the way you did then what is going to happen if you the one that was serious comes back tomorrow? I have to trust you. I have to trust in you. And in us to know that I don't have to worry about it. But she is right. For both of those things to happen on the same day really put my mind in a funk and it makes me sick to think about because the way you worry about losing me is the I worry about losing you. And now I have to think that the place you took that circumstance is hopefully the farthest you would ever take it in the eyes of temptation. God save me, I'm so tired of feeling like I have to talk myself out of my fears of abandonment because the subject is just so worn thin.
I don't think my fears are as severe as they were but I think that whole situation shook me up more than I told you or even more than I thought and I think that's because I wasn't as secure in the idea that I was the only one. Or that you didn't still think of that person in your past. I think that has to do with the fact that the communication wasn't there as much as it could have been and I realize that it makes me feel like you're hiding something. When you can't tell me how you feel how do I know its what you're feeling? It took that situation for me to really know and now I do, but before that I was finding myself questioning you. I never want to question you and not say anything about it because I just couldn't. With me, that only furthers my fears because I don't want to project and force you to say things when I know you don't want to say them. Then to hav that thought in my mind and read that. Oh God. to read those words. I thought it was all over and I was right. It wasn't even about what it was really about. And even then, I have to trust that that's what really happened when my mind was already where you put it. Nowi'm typing this and its really all coming out. I didn't know I still felt like this.
I love you. and that's putting it lightly. There is this way that you think about someone in this organic sincere way that is how I think about you. When I think of our love, its like it flows out of my body and intertwines with yours. And even with all of that, I still have to get over these thoughts I have. It's just that situation scared me. more than I let myself believe. I trust in what you said, but its going to take me some time I think to let go of those fears. I know you said you would do what you could to win back my trust. I believe you. I just think that now that I realized what this really was about, makes me understand more now what needs to be done. This fear won't be here forever. Because at the end of it all, you are the end all be all and I've known that for quite some time.
disappointment is a word I've become accustomed to. talking to you almost makes my skin crawl. you ruin all of my happiness and hope in a single sentence like its second nature and by this time it just is. I don't know why I still let it get to me. I guess because at some point I thought I might get your approval but I know now that's never going to happen and I need to just let that go. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. just let go. just let go. just let go.....just breathe.