captain hook

I'm listneing to their arguments and i'm wondering if what they say holds some kind of truth. i honestly hope that in my case it doesn't but is this really a hook that im on? is it true to say things, like i'm special, just to keep me in arms reach of you because you enjoy what this is but you never intend to make anything official? It is hard to hear those things and not consider that i might be in the same situation. i can only look on with a smile on my face like i have no idea what is being said. only to know that in my head i feel like i've already been let down. and then all at once its like playing the song in my head, "I don't care what people say as long as you and me okay" but at the same time i can't help but think it might just be possible that you've only caught me on your hook. but i'm not afraid. its weird to say but i'm not a girl to be hooked, eventually i will figure out what is really going on and i will decide to stay or leave. i let the time before last longer than it probably should have but i'm not one for good timing. and i know you say you hope that it never reaches that point again and honestly i'm praying that it doesn't knowing the possibility that it could. i listen to everything and i try to understand, and i mostly do. and i realize trying to piece together everything and hoping you find whats best for you, but sometimes i wish i was what was best for you. and sometimes i think i really could be, but knowing right now it just isn't going to happen and from my point of view, i hope you see how i guess disappointing that could be. always hoping you really mean something to someone because the connection is something amazing, but only finding out time isn't on your side.

she told me i sounded disappointed. i realize that i didn't but i couldn't understand why. she explains and i wish she was here to tell me. i wish she was here to explain to make sense and to be here. she told me i need to tell him. i need to explain to him why i am this way. and i know i should and i know it might help clear some things up but at the same time i'm afraid. i know i can't let fear be my ruling decision maker. but i'm afraid. because to tell him would be to really let him in. its hard to explain myself and i just wish that she could talk to him and explain because some reason i think coming from me won't mean as much as coming from someone he knows really knows me. but i guess its up to me to pull that band aid. i will and it sounds stupid to say i want to wait for the right time but i'm starting to realize that doesn't matter. its better just to tell him than to keep on like i shouldn't.

i want to ride this wave with you and i'm starting to believe that i need to stop holding back because it gets so hard soemtimes. and even if i'm afraid of being on this hook, fear isn't going to help me. fear isn't going to make anything better and i'm better off just letting it all go because then i won't regret any of it. if somehow we end up on the other side of this and it turns out it just isn't going to happen for us, at least i'll be satisfied knowing i didn't hold anything back and i gave what i could.

is it so naive to hope for love? is it really so stupid to want to just let yourself go and see where it can take you? i always found it ironic that psyche and eros is my favorite greek myth. that she was so beautiful but no one wanted her but only to look at her. no one wanted to love her for her or to marry her. only for show. until he saw her. until he saw more than just her beauty, and really cared for her and loved her. and although she messed up, she was willing to give up the only thing she thought she had for him. for his love. and honestly i don't want to give up hope that somewhere this holds true some how. i've always been around for show. although i've come across love here and there. i always ended up for show. never for who i really am. and i don't want to give up thinking its out there somewhere and if that makes me some kind of fool than so be it, because at this point i'd rather hope than be bitter that love has scorned me more times than i would like to admit.

we talked about him. we talked about him and i told her something only she and him know. not something i usually tell anyone because it only brings back that thought. that memory that i had built a home and i made it with the love i had for him. only to find out when i had finished the house had no windows and no doors and i was locked inside. everyone always asks why i stayed for so long. there's more to that story than just me trying to fix the person i lost. and now i see more than ever, it was just the way things were and i had to learn.