shut it down

"hey baby, i had to mention that if i was searching for a star you would be the one i'm looking for."

it was funny that i was sitting in the car driving back to reality and it started hitting me. more than ever before. it was like i really missed him. in a different way than i have before. i don't know if its because on the regular times i know i can see him randomly. but now that i was going to be on the other side of the states it wasn't possible for that and i don't know why i felt this way. i guess i do i mean its obvious i have real feelings and i kept wondering if maybe he felt the same way. if he felt the same kind of "i really miss you" that i do. i guess i'll find out when i get back hope and as for now i can let my imagination set me free.

i'm watching the way she walks around like she only exists in her own world with no one else in sight. it almost hurts to watch the brothers and sister she never sees almost leave her completely alone. afraid that she isn't talking to them because she doesn't like them. i see the almost sadness in her eyes when they would rather come sit with me than with her. that i'm the one they want picking them up from school, and i'm the one they want to watch movies with and play video games and sleep next to. and i see the sparkle in eyes making up this complete fanatsy world in his mind that she is here for him and him alone. but i know she isn't and this is all about some ind of financial gain and i want to make things so much different for him but i can't and it almost seems worthless to try. but i do anyways. and hope for the best. because it would kill me to know his heart breaks in the same way that hers does. a heart break i know all too well

i love it here every time i come. its like taking me out of all the stuff back home. don't get me wrong i love my home. but being here with them is like being able to revitilize my soul. getting to feel this unconditional love that they give me. the look on their faces every time they see that i haven't left yet. the way they love me in this completely natural way that makes you wish you could have it every single day but knowing you appreciate it so much more because you don't. i always find that its so ironic that those that love me most are always thousands of miles away. it reminds me of when i was watching that movie and they said "i love you" and i couldn't remember the last time i heard those words and meant it. but that doesn't matter. it will come when it comes and soon enough someone will mean it and i will love it. but for now they make it all okay. they make me okay. its the fire i need to get back and put everything back together again and keep myself going.

seeing things from her perspective have made me see things from his. her situation has definitely help me to be able to see through the other side of the looking glass in my situation. it does get frustruating because its hard to understand why someone would hold themselves back from something that feels good that makes them happy. but it really just all comes back to the fear. the fear of getting hurt, being hurt, and so much more. and its frustruating because you know the person is only keeping themselves from growing and developing into some kind of happy they've been looking for. i guess its just part of the process for a pessimist. i don't like saying that because i know there is optimism in there somewhere! i guess i just like to believe there is since i am such a hopeless optimistic. but for a person that hasn't been able to be themselves it makes sense to afraid to let the real person out. but when they do i know it will be so freeing and definitely what they've been needing the whole time. but its just a process. definitely a process. and this is one of those times when i have to go soul searching just to find the patience i need to not blow up from my frustruation. but so far its been able to keep itself tame. lets just hope it can stay that way until i really know when to say when.

and i hope that when you hear these songs you think of me