objects of my affection

"and the question is, was i more alive then, than i am now? i have to happily disagree, i laugh more often now, i cry more often now. i am more free"

if i were to honestly ask myself that question i would have to completely agree. things are completely different now than they ever have been before. although i might be this person that you have to try to break open. i've never been more open then i am now for a very long time. i was broken before and it just caused me to recoil in worse than ever before. and i've been working on trying to let myself open up more. but its always this cautious event because love has always been this tainted thing for me. and the crazy thing about it all is that i've never given up my faith in it. my hope that it exists. that somewhere out there you hope for me too.

he told me i need to listen to my frustruation because its the only thing that's been fighting for me. i get what he's trying to say but in the same respect i'm not one to be a selfish person and i guess now i need to be a little more selfish because he's right. my whole life i've been shown that i'm not good enough for love, but in my heart and my mind i've always yelled that i deserve it. that i deserve to be loved. and i do damn it. haha. no but really. i'm not ready to give up on the idea love isn't as foreign to me as i think it might be sometimes and it gets so frustruating believe you and me it does but i can't just let it go. i want to believe in something bigger than myself and this is just one of those things. i'm not naive to think so. just hopeful with a side of faith. and for now. i don't see anything wrong with that.

i really don't want to get close to that point again where i'm wondering if i can still do this. i don't want to go back and forth like a game because i don't play games. i want everything to unfold naturally. and i get that feeling of fear, but i'm so tired of fear being what holds me back. i don't want to be held back because it makes me feel like i'm not completely being myself and i don't want to be that person. because how are you ever going to know me? it might take me a second after clamming up to say what i'm trying to say but don't shut it off just give me a second. because i'm really trying to subside this frustruation. because deep down i don't think i'm ready or could do it again. she told me i would know when to say when....now i'm really hoping she's right.