standing at the edge

i was cleaning out some drawers where i keep random things today. i found all the cards he gave me. i dont know why i thought i had thrown them all away. its funny that the one i dont consider is the one i didnt throw anything away from. the one i was with for so much longer that hurt me so much more, all his stuff got put away n disappeared the very next day. but his stuff still lingers in the bag beneath my desk. but im throwing everything away now so i guess it doesnt matter anyways.

when asked why i stayed. it was a good question i didnt know how to answer at first but i thought about it. and its because he loved me. madly deeply truly loved me. in a way i hadnt been loved before. it was a complete kinda love. if i was ever asked who of my significant others i felt really loved me i would hands down say him. because he did. he really did and its what i wanted and what i thought i needed. and its hard to say, but his love blinded me for a little while on who he was until i finally really saw him away from everything he did for me. and i couldnt stand being ignored. and i did everything i could. and there is just that.

i sat there listening to the arguments, realizing i knew where my morals laid, but i would much rather just let the drama subside then continue to add fuel to the flame. n thats all i have to say about that for now.

he said it was like we were but we weren't. which i think it really is. because as he said, he's standing at the edge of the cliff and he can either jump or keep holding himself back because he doesnt think his parachute is ready for the jump. although it almost sounded like a jummbled up metaphor it made complete sense to me. and i get it. but i still had to ask..."how are you ever going to know then if you dont just jump?" fear can only allow us so much before it takes away what could be the most important, exciting, liberating, redeeming, genuine parts of ourselves.

what im trying to say is...i can only hope it doesnt take forever for ur parachute to be ready because i can only ride this ride by myself for so long before i get off knowing you just arent going to ride with me. she told me it might help to give myyself a timeline. but im realizing she is right that i'll just know when to say when. im just hoping you decide to jump before that time comes. here's to taking chances for the better and leaving fear to his own devices