its heaven

there's something about the way i can spend every minute with you for a weekend and still feel like i wish you were still sleeping in my bed with me. he says its cute and not embarrassing but its hard for me not to get embarrassed to admit to something like that. to admit i have these feelings that have me spilling food on myself because i'm still in a completely different state of mind that has me nonfunctional. i made a mistake though. i should have just said what i wanted to say instead of trying to make it about something else. i think he might have understand, but here i was again not wanting to admit to something. i guess it wasn't so much admitting to it just saying it out loud. what i should have said was, "i think you have more feelings for me than you let yourself or me know about" but i'm starting to realize i must be completely blind.

it was funny she was in the car saying, "i told him that if he took himself out of us and saw us, he would see what everyone else sees". its funny because its true. every one around us seems to feel some kind of presence when we're together. and i'm starting to realize that i'm really starting to see it more and more. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing because the more i see i the more scared i get. because there is a chemistry, energy. and i'm afraid it could get all taken away. its funny because they say the fear is because you've put your heart in someone else's hands to trust that they won't shatter it to pieces, but if the person felt the same way about you, then isn't it a means of knowing they wouldn't break you to pieces? i might fear the potential of pain, but i've done tears, and i still found myself wanting you. if its too much than just let me know, because this is home. its something familiar that just makes sense.

so i was completely nervous to say the least. everyone always tells me i'm a parent's perfect dream, but that doesn't take away being scared that the person that means the most could not like you. at first it definitely crossed my mind, until i realized i could only do my best to be myself and hope for the best. i'm still hoping it worked because it means something to me to have a seal of approval.

but from beginning to end it was a perfect weekend. its funny because i remember him telling me, "just let him pick you up. you know you want to see each other and you've been waiting for it. i already knew 2 weeks before you got here who was going to pick you up, so stop acting like you don't know." i had to shut up after that. he always puts me in my place and calls me out on my bullshit. sometimes i really hate it but i know i really need it. because if not i might just always convince myself that no one gives a damn so i can continue to not have to look at the feelings i have. but he forces me to. he makes me realize that i need to just let myself have happy. let myself feel. because for so long its always been taken away from me. i need to be the force he described to her i am. i am. i am. i am. and so i'm going to feel. i'm going to make things happen for myself, and i'm going to let myself be this happy. have this happy. because it means so much more to me than i think i even realize. i just can't explain this at all. i try and i never seem to think i find the right words to say.

because having him be the first person i see coming home, only makes it real that i'm home. being able to spend the day together laughing and sharing makes it worth it. when i'm standing there next to you seeing something phenomenal like a jay-z concert, i realize i wouldn't want to be standing there with anyone else. it was the most i've ever kissed him because i couldn't believe how happy i was. i couldn't believe i had all these feelings and i was so happy. a complete utter kind of happy after having so many complications to have everything completely erased and genuinely extremely happy. i couldn't help but kiss and not want to stop. everything seemed almost perfect.

sometimes i wish we were a little more affectionate in public. not in an inappropriate way, but the causal normal way. but i realize it makes some sense why we aren't or can't. why he doesn't just hold my hand or kiss me more than i would like. sometimes i feel so bottled up that i just want to let it all go and grab him and kiss him the way i want to kiss him so bad. but we aren't together, and i don't know where i'm crossing a line. and i don't want to make him uncomfortable. i wish there was a cue to let me know when i can just let it go and be the way i wish we were. but there isn't and i have to just figure something out. because i know i have so much more to offer, but i don't know how much to give right now without making things something its not. i don't know what i'm trying to say i'm just trying to say...