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trying to keep myself me. i'm looking for questions to my frustruations and i really can't i say giving up and it tastes bad in my mouth because it just isn't me to give up. but it is me to keep myself intact. i don't lose myself for anyone else. she had me sitting there without any words to find. she told me straight to myself that i can't lose myself for no one and i can't keep using the words "eventually" and i need to do right now. He says its up to me. he says to keep doing me and maybe he'll come around at his own time. true story, but i'm not that girl to keep messing around like i'm always going to be here for the taking. that's not me. i'm worth it because i try for it. i don't take my heart lightly and i give all i have to give. and if its not going to be me you want its not going to be me. that's the bottom line. i just need to accept that. and a part of me really has, and it might hurt the way it does, but it just means there's got to be something else out there for me. because being right really does take too long and i really don't know if i can wait much longer.

i take chances with my heart all the time only to get hurt in the long wrong because those i take my chances with aren't really trying for me. it gets me to the point where i want to throw my hands up and say whatever but i can't. i have too much hope for that.

he sat there giving me one of the biggest opportunities i've ever had and i was sitting there thinking "this is where its going to start for me". yes i'm still going to try for other things nad see where i go, but this could be the one i take and the one that makes me who i want to be. this is the beginning of something great for me and i know when this week is over i'll be a lot more excited about it. eventually i'm going to have everything i've ever wanted for myself and go with that. i've worked so hard for everything i've ever had. nothing ever came to me instantly. i made all of my opportunities for myself because nothing has ever been handed to me. but now i made myself a great resume and a good look on paper to get these opportunities. and now its finally time to live them.

i know all the grad stuff is coming up and i am really excited about all of it. but i keep thinking about everything else and its really keeping me from being happy. i was telling her that when the frustrated is gone all i feel is sad. and right now that's just the way its going to be. until next week is over it might be different but from now until then this is just going to be me. i wish i could make it go away because its not who i am and its not who i want to be and if he was here he would tell me not to be this way. but he isn't. and he can't. and when i sleep, all i see are the memories of her tears. a scar that won't ever heal. but its my damage to bare.

i'm thinking after june 11th everything is going to change. it will because i will change it all. no more holding back. no more fear. no more letting things get the best of me. no more of the things that aren't necessary. i'm over all that. after june 11th its a whole new me ready to take on anything that comes my way and if you can't handle that me or that world then i'll just have to move on without you.