in the name of something so much more

i'm starting to feel it a little. this is usually the case when i have to go to the doctor's. i'm find until the night before when it starts hitting me of all the possibilities. i've gotten a lot of bad news before but i made it through all of that so no matter how bad this might be, i know i can get through it too. i know i might sound too optimistic but when you've done what i've done. its the only way to go from here. so right now i might be scared but i know tomorrow morning when i wake up to be told i have to do more tests, i'll be fine. mainly because i'll be the thinking of the quiz i have later that day.

every time it gets closer i feel like i close up a little more. i don't want that day to come around. i want to just skip over it like it never happened. but i can't. and i see her and i want to cry all the time for her but i can't because its never been in me to cry. i didn't even cry when i was there watching it all in front of me. i'm really hoping that the dream doesn't come back. i really hope that was just a one time thing. i guess i'll find out soon enough.

i'm starting to care less about the whole thing. she asked me why and that this is something that only happens once in my life. but every one is so concerned with themselves and their schedule that it just isn't worth it anymore. she told me we needed to talk and said she felt embarrassed that she had to hear about how everyone was getting a ticket except her. but i told her she knew how i felt about the situation and this is just something she's going to have to give me cause i've really had enough with everyone else. so she did. i still have this gut feeling she might go behind my back about it. and she better hope she doesn't. but i guess we'll have to find out about that one too. i just want to be done and move on already.

you know sometimes i'm hoping that when he has these new perspectives that they stick and work for the best for him. he was sitting there talking to me about all the possibilites. it really was a genuine talk that had me yet again hoping so much, but sometimes it really hits me how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love you back or who won't let you love them for that matter. right now its been okay because there is so much on my plate right now until i graduate basically. but when its all over i'm wondering where i'm going to stand. he says i'm someone he wants in his life for a long time and honestly that always has me wondering "why?". a question easily asked but never easily answered. because somewhere i want to be something. but that's just another something i'll just have to find out eventually. but the question there is am i going to be able to take the waiting to find out. right now i couldn't tell you because i honestly don't know. because i know this has to be something. and that's exactly where he stopped the conversation.

time reveals all truths. let's hope that's really true