keep on diving

We were walking, and i was telling him the whole situation as i have for years. we stopped. he looked at me. and he said, "that's a lot of complicated to put up with. how do you do it? actually. why do you do it?". I looked down at my feet, searching for an answer i couldn't find. now when i think about it, it almost makes me want to cry. after all this time, why was i doing this to myself? hoping that he would want me? but at what cost now?

he told me i am a catch. and that there is someone who wants everything about me. why am i waiting around for someone who doesnt? again. i look at my feet for answers. like looking down at the ground is going to give me some kind of epiphany. no. its funny because i think about how my dad always told me you never look down when you're walking. its a sign of fear to not look at people in the eye like they dominate, and you never know where you're walking if you're always looking down. yah. i need to stop doing that.

he comes in like a bright light in a dark room. he tells me his situation and says, "because i can't see her all the time doesn't mean i don't like her." he explains things to me and it makes perfect sense and for someone that's perfectly okay. i'm just trying to figure out if its okay for me. and right now at this very moment, i'm starting to feel like maybe its not. and i want to let him go but there's a part of me that can't. and i don't know why. i really don't. would i do it all again? if i had to go through all these hard parts just to have those 4 months all over again. i would... because i believe that was the real him. and i miss him. i guess i was always just hoping we wouldn't want to wonder if we missed out on each other.

sometimes i wish it was different. actually i wish it was different all the time. i fall asleep trying to keep the tears in because i see her and the way she walks around life now and it breaks my heart and i have all these memories. memories i wish would just fall out of my head and be gone, but at the same time i hold on to them so tightly because they're all i have left and it makes me so sad. i know its a part of life and all that stuff. but sometimes i really wish it wasn't and i could skip over that part. but i guess there's no joy without pain.