lost

I hate this feeling. i'm always climbing a mountain. always hoping it leads to a better me in the end. but there's always something. its funny i start to tell her and it doesn't phase me anymore because nothing has ever come easy for me or at least manageable. she says "i'm so over them always giving you more shit to go through. its like you never get a break." at least she can feel the anger for me. most of the reason why i love having her around. because by now i've learned that its my actions. its what i do with the bullshit i'm constantly handed. i make lemonade out of lemons all the time. because i'll be damned if anyone keeps me from my dreams. i've never been handed anything in my life. i've always worked for myself to be something for myself and i've never let anyone stop me except one time. and it took a lot for me to forgive myself for that. but i can't go back to that person and i never will again. i'm always going to come through for myself even if it means me moving, leaving, having to give up some people. its just something i have to do.

there is this whole thing about my tattoo. yah its big. yah its there. i don't care if anyone doesn't like. i don't care what anyone has to say about it. it isn't for everybody. in fact it isn't for anybody. its for me. and you would have to know me to understand. he said it makes sense the reason why i hold my grandparents in this different light. they were something more than anyone else has ever been in my life. and in my life that's saying a lot. i still remember the day he said those words to me. i remember everything about that moment. where i was, what i was doing, who was there, the way he was standing, the way he said it. a moment when i was making myself a victim, and he told me "a retreat in time is a victory in life." i almost fell out of my chair. the most consistent man in my life was continuing to be the most consistent man in life when he was even consistent in his own. and life would never be the same after.

i'm hoping for change. i'm ready for change. i'm ready to be me and have someone just accept that. there isn't anything wrong with that. because i want something better for myself. don't you?