day to day

day to day...

i've come to realize that i'm feeling the way i used to those months ago. when i didn't really care and i wasn't stressed about the situation but completely happy in it. ps: i don't like it when he points out my happiness sometimes because its embarrassing and i don't always know if he's as happy as i am. that's no really a justification just a poor excuse. but true nonetheless. but it is nice to be this kind of happy. its been a while since i've been this kind of happy with him, and its almost like being home again. i missed the laughs, the teasing, the music, and just the natural fun in having a genuine conversation where i didn't have to be self conscience of my thoughts.

i do still hold back, but its never intentionally its just something i do without really thinking about it sometimes because i think i'm scared of letting myself have all these feelings for him again because every time i do, he pushes me away. and if i could be secure in the idea that he isn't going to jump ship when he gets the opportunity to, then i probably wouldn't be so "proceed with caution" the way i am. i know i'll get over it sooner than later, mainly because i know i'm going to need to if i can finally give this relationship all i have to give. and i'm starting to feel myself getting back to that place and its nice.

i wanna be on a jet plane that takes me straight to your arms.


i was feeling really restless about the whole thing but now that i've gotten myself back up again and trying to get out there again with all this, i'm feeling a lot better about it. not because i know i'm going to find something but because i have faith in myself to work hard to find whatever i need to find to get myself somewhere. and it feels good to know i'm trying. which always has be wondering why people don't try for things more. it is a very liberating feeling to try for something or someone even if it turns out completely horrible the fact of knowing that you tried with everything you have should be satisfying. or at least for me it is but that could just be me. some times it can feel inefficient but on the other hand if my best couldn't be the best for something or someone then it is what it is. and someone or something else will think i'm completely amazing at my best. or i can at least hope it is.

they told me another had bit the dust. i wasn't necessarily surprised but it had me thinking what i would do if it was me. what kind of reaction would i have if i got the test and it came up positive. would i keep it? but then i realized that i can't answer any of those questions without the circumstances. who would be the father? where would i be? what would i be doing? or trying to do? i could put it in my situation now but it almost seems too unrealistic. i guess i'll just have to cross that bridge if it ever gets built.

my hopes are building up. i feel them and it almost really scares the crap out of me, and i would say that means something but its never really stopped me before. i could be the most scared i've ever been but find myself running to jump out of the plane. sometimes i wish i wasn't always that way and so impulsive, but then again i would have missed out on a lot of important things in my life if i was any different. she said the best relationship is the one that encourages you and inspires you to be what you always hoped you would be. i agree with that. and i think it might be true for me. i can hope that its true for him. but i guess that's just something to find out.