ok. yah...so maybe i'm sprung

but i definitely like it a lot. :)

i know another wave hit and it made me feel pretty stupid because i've never let anyone stop me from what i want for myself and i know i was just having a moment of a blurred mental vision but at least i knew i was being stupid. i guess i was just scared that maybe i was getting myself into something where i end up really caring about someone who ends up not caring as much as they said they did. but that's stupid because i trust him. its weird actually because i don't trust anyone majority of the time. but there is something about the way he tells me he cares and the things he tells me that i automatically trust what he says and that he means it. that might be dangerous but i don't care. it's been too long since i've been able to have these kind of feelings and i want to be happy in that and put all the other stuff to the side.

he knows me so well and although that scares me sometimes because it isn't something i'm used to, it is something i can get get used to. it makes me open up. and i feel so comfortable just talking to him. which makes me feel kind of bad because i want him to feel comfortable talking too and i don't want to be the one doing all the talking. i know it's not like that but i don't want it to ever get like that. i am capable of listening too. i guess i just always figured if he wanted to talk to me about something he would. there's just something about us that has me glad he's the other half to this rope. i give him so much credit for making me so happy when i should be sad. i'm always completely impressed by the way we seem to be able to do that for each other. walls fall all the time, and this one might be gradually coming down but the whole point is that its still coming down one brick at a time and it never felt so good.


i know he gave me up the way he did. everyone keeps telling me that he doesn't mean it and he cares about me. but that doesn't matter to me anymore. everyone else can say it till they're blue in the face but after he said what he said i don't care anymore whether i matter to him or not. i give it all up. and i took away those rights because i know that whether he cares or not that is the one place to hit him where it hurts. i know it might sound malicious, but do unto others as you would have done to you and this is the only way i can ensure that karma will rear her head to his view. and besides all that he doesn't deserve to participate in any of those things. he has been so cold and heartless to me for so long that he just can't play that father role for me anymore. i've put up with too much for too long and this time when way over the line. i'm done with all that and although it was really sad at first and its still kinda sad now i can accept it for what it is and let it go. because as he said, i am only where he has put me. and that is at the end of a long road and i don't see him anymore.

she gave me her full and complete support as i knew she would so that i could continue with the acceptance and its progress. she is the epitome of my idea of unconditional love and she will forever stay that way. but when she told me he had told her that i was finally with the right one for me, i was completely floored. and he hit it right on the nose when he said it was bittersweet. because that's exactly what it is. i would have never thought any thing like that would come from his mouth, but it did. and to say that about him. i hate to say it means a lot to me because he's the one that said it, but it does all the same because he is the one that said it and about him. but if that is the last thing i take from all of this, then that is fine with me.

she's become the only parent. she has been for a long time but its official now. and i can appreciate so much that she knows what i'm going through and knows how it feels. and that she is completely understanding of my lack there of to want to have a relationship with him. he complains so much that they don't have a male role model in their lives but he's only left me with women. and like i said my only male figures are the one that lives so far and the one that has passed. although my circumstances seem so detrimental, like i said, i like who i am and there are people in my life that love me this way, and if you happen to be the person that will always love me this way, i know we'll be happy. because i don't want to change anything about who i am, except maybe taking compliments better and not getting so shy when you give them, and giving them more in return because i feel that way too. but i'm working on it. like i said, one brick at a time. she told me i need to give myself credit because i've been making some big improvements on opening up and letting my guard down, more than i have in a really long time. yay for me! room for improvement and i'm going to take up space.