if and when the dust settles

a combination of too much emotional things to handle has its way of creeping up on you pretty fast sometimes. I was hoping to give her all the info and was hoping to get that last moment of quality time. and i get that most people might not understand that. i get that it might not seem like that big of a deal to a lot of other people. but i don't need anyone else to really understand what it was like to not be able to see her. for us we knew and it was hard. she's going through a lot right now and she needs me to be there for her and that was one of those times she needed me to be there for her to let her know everything was going to be okay and didn't have to just say it over a phone line. i needed her to let me know i was really okay and that everything in my head was just an emotional misunderstanding i was putting my head through. especially after my talk with him. he only made it more potent that he just never cared about us. or at least didn't care enough about us. all the examples, all the truths. trying to be fine is not always easy sometimes. and i think it was just finally the snap that the words gave me that put my built up anger over the edge. i was genuinely okay before i saw those written words. it just made me mad that he could say that with a pen but was never able to say it in my face. it is so fickle. so freakin fickle. the way he thinks he can easily weasel his way out of the situation like that but then still continues to ignore me even now. its the same old story and the same old tricks. and like i've always said it takes a lot to really piss me off. but a lot of things finally scratched deep enough to hit my angry button.

it was from the nephew who doesn't give a shit and does things to purposely piss me off. fine if you're going to be a little shit. but to take the next big step and fuck with my dog. that's a whole new playing field of messed up. so after this note of emotionless action of taking meaningful words and using them to mean nothing at all. to dealing with this little jerk. to her doing one of her timeless inconsiderate moves. to seeing my grandma's face at realizing the reality of the situation. to the words he kept feeding me of the anger he still feels over the whole thing that just in turn makes me as angry as him. to so many negative angry energies that just got to be too much. i just finally let it all come to the surface and let myself be angry. i was so angry i was shaking. i was fine to forgive her because she was genuinely sorry and apologetic i could tell. and i finally calmed down and i'm fine now. it was just too much in a short period. she even told me, "its been a really rough 4 days for you and i'm sorry." i'm going to be okay though. this isn't new for me. and its just something i have to get past because to be angry feels a lot more horrible than being happy. and my happiness is going to find me again soon. it was already getting there today. i was able to spend time with friends who cherish and love me. spend a decent amount of time just looking for new books and getting new books. it was really relaxing. it felt really good.

i'm starting to think i might just stop talking about the bad stuff with him. i don't know how much of a good idea that is. but i start feeling like it might be too much for him. i'm a lot to deal with in that area and it gets to be quite the burden. and its not fair for me to put that kind of weight on him. i've seen how it messes with things before because of the weight it carries after a while and i just don't want to do that to him. i can carry this by myself like i always have and i know i'll be okay.

i know its just one day at a time. and i'm going to get there. i still fully believe that i need to enjoy every time and day i have. and this angry bad phase might be here right now for a little bit, but its already starting to go away and if i didn't go through these times i wouldn't be able to value the good times as much as i do. so fine, let the bad come my way. i will deal with it and move on accordingly to enjoy and cherish the good and happy that i still have. because despite all of this and in spite of all of this. i'm still going to get myself where i want to go. and be exactly who i want to be. no matter what. and that's just that. go me! haha wow...anyways...

i hope to believe that things can always change for the better...here's to believing happiness and love are completely attainable and tangible.