ready, set, let go...

we sat there having our lunch and i explained to her my minor stupid freak out. i told her what my thoughts were and what i was going through. she just looked at me with a simple smile and said, "you've never let anyone stop you from doing anything you want, now is not the time to start especially since he's just being a dick. you feel this way because he has a way of making you feel this way but that doesn't mean you have to let him. just take a deep breath and let it go because you worked really hard for this and you deserve this happiness." of course she's right in everything she said. and i knew she was and i still know she is. and i trust her to know me well enough to see right through me. but she's right. i have never let anyone stop me from doing anything i want to do. except this time its different. its more like doing right by me now is doing right by us. i'm more concerned with doing right by us which i haven't done too much before. my main concern was always me and although that might sound selfish i had to make something of myself and i was going to do that by any means necessary. but this time i'm concerned about things that might make him uncomfortable that i would've done on a whim just cause.

i take "us" into consideration in decisions that i make and i've never done that before. so i appreciate everything she tells me because she's right and i won't let someone like him stop my happiness. not anymore.

i knew it was drunk texting but all the same, when i'm trying to go to sleep and its 4am, its just a little annoying. to beg and beg after i've said it in a million different ways no. to tell me that ever since the first time he saw me he's thought i was hot and he still thinks i'm cute and he wants to spend time with me. i keep trying to push him away and i thought it worked after he met him and saw he was a real person, but i was wrong and he kept telling me he was just being honest. he wants me to go on a trip with him that he says he will pay for everything. definitely not going to win me over with that. for most girls...probably. but there's always been a big difference between me and most girls and this is one of those things that sets me apart. kissing my ass is not going to win me over and begging isn't going to do it. honesty is always the best policy but when i know you can't get the hint when i told you i'm with someone. what makes you think i wouldn't think you would do the same in any other situation? you put your cards on the table and i see what kind of guy you are. and on top of all of that...you look exactly like the one that broke my heart. identical. and from the first day i saw you, i wanted to punch you in the face because of it. so no. you will not win me over. and i would be careful because you are playing with fire and it hurts to get burned.

he wrote something so simple. like its supposed to change something. she smiles at me hoping it will but i shake my head no and she knows it just isn't enough. he tells me he will always love me and he hopes we can move forward. he forgets that before i left for my last trip he wrote me a similar note and when i came back he told me i didn't matter to him and i never will. so this changes nothing. its easy to write something so simple when you still don't have to be verbal about anything. like i said. you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. i am where you have put me. and that will not change because that was no apology and i knew it wans't sincere because she's the one that bought the card, and she's the one that told you to say soemthing. and she's probably the one that handed you the pen. if it wasn't for her you wouldn't have said anything at all. so this changes nothing and you are still stuck exactly where you put yourself.

i felt bad when she told me what happened. i knew how she felt about him but its so scary for someone to tell you that kind of chemistry isn't there. i'm always afraid of hearing it, but for me i know its there, i just always have this way of doubting myself for someone else. i know that doesn't make too much sense i guess i should explain. i have a tendency to assume someone doesn't think the same way about me unless i'm told different. and if i'm not told different i continue believing what i'm thinking. i know its not good to do some times but its a defensive habit i need to let go of a little bit. but i'm glad i asked and i'm glad i got a good answer. it makes me happy to know i'm not the only one that feels the connection, the feelings, and the chemistry. i am blessed. and i know that. which is even better because i don't take it for granted at all. this rope is comfortably tight and keeps me safe. these things are rare and hard to come by, but that is why i will always cherish this for now and always.