and when these things just have their time

You know when you've made yourself believe certain truths in your mind? things that you've completely convinced yourself have to be true? I did that to save myself. I at least tried to but to find out i was full of shit. to find out i was completely wrong was shocking. not to say i never think i'm wrong, i know i'm wrong from time to time but this was one of those things of the heart. one of those times that your heart was so invested in something and to find out that this rope was stronger than i gave it credit completely surprised me in this definitive way that had me realizing its really always been tied to you. i wish i had a more poetic way of putting it but i don't. I know we've gotten way past the whole ordeal. obviously. i just never imagined. and now i'm seeing sides of you that have me so happy. so completely happy in us. its making everything a lot less scary for me because it feels so right.

She said i get too scared of him freaking out about things and that once i stop that it'll probably be a lot easier for me to just breath easy. and she's right i do get scared of saying too much or doing too much that might scare him and that scares me. and it almost sounds stupid to say out loud because it kind of is. it sounds stupid because i'm pretty positive i'm falling in love with you him. i woke up the other morning after a great date night we had and realized this. of the course the first thing i do is text her "its official" she asks if there was any argument against it. i told her "no. i know you already knew i just needed to let you know that now i know." she tells me its normal to be scared but that it's also completely normal to feel this way. that i'm finally letting myself care enough about someone and it might be really scary for me but that she knows it'll be worth it because she can hear the happiness in my voice and how content i was the last time she saw me. its been a while since she's seen me that happy and i never thought i was sad already when she had seen me before this last time when we were there but she told me she saw it eating me on the inside. i'm glad i'm transparent to her that way because in my head i like to keep all these things to myself and i'm always trying to hide my thoughts like i'm ashamed to be letting myself think that way but i can't hide them from her which is probably why we're so close.

for the same reason why i'm so close to him. hiding my thoughts from him is like trying to hide behind a small pole in a hide and seek game. i can only pretend he can't see me for so long until he finds me out in the most obvious ways and although sometimes i don't like it becuase i don't want to have to confront what i'm feeling. i like that it makes me come out of hiding and let myself be open. he never ceases to amaze me, as i know i never cease to surprise him. but i'm mostly just happy to be in a relationship that has me feeling like its completely possible for someone to care this much.

it was one of those moments where i was completely proud of myself. i literally wanted to pat myself on the back for getting myself to this point so early on in the game. i know i have other things to be proud of and i know its stupid of me not to see that because of what i've been told almost my whole life. but this was that time when i finally came out of that shadow and saw that i'm really doing something for myself. and now it will be in print. and soon enough i'll be on to even bigger and better things and i'm doing it one day at a time. i'm finally showing myself that i'm completely capable of making everything i've ever wanted for myself a reality. but still knowing that i'm not lucky, i'm blessed, and never taking for granted that fact.

lately i have been so blessed with so many different things and although for me that usually means something bad is about to happen. i'll keep holding on to these positive things because they are so far and few between but i'll take what i can get.