i just want you around

you know when you have those moments where you knew how things were but they start becoming more real? i keep having those and i don't know exactly why its making me feel the way i do. because a majority of myself feels this completely comfortable kind of happiness that has me like "woah". but there is a minor piece of me that gets really scared. she said its natural to feel that way because i'm hoping that things don't fall into the same pattern and a month later he's ready to walk throught the door and fall off the face of the planet. but she says he means it this time. that she knows he really cares about me. and in all honesty i do too. its really amazing this time. and it makes me feel so comfortable and warm inside. i didn't realize i was saying what i was thinking until he said "you mean "the one", yah i said it." it had me wondering if he thinks i'm the one. if he's asked himself those questions that i have. the fact that it doesn't scare me anymore to think of what we could be doing 6 months from now. it doesn't scare me anymore to think i feel like i've found the person for me. that someone that just makes me feel like it all makes sense. the fact that it just feels so right.

she told me she hasn't seen me care this much about someone in as long as she can remember. and i realize she's right and that has me happy because i didn't know i could care like this again. i had given up on the idea of this person. but nothing feels better as when he's holding me. and i'm seeing that i appreciate him for who he is and i don't take that for granted. i want to see him succeed in all of his possibilities. i want things to keep going because i know he cares about me. and i think she's right when she says he means it this time.

this time wasn't so bad because i know i'm going to see her soon. sometimes i wish there was more i could do to comfort her. i wish there was more i could say but i find myself at a loss and i know she knows i'm doing what i can to be there for her. i don't want her to feel the hurt she's going through. i'll always do everything i can for her. and i know she'll come through all this as best as she can. i'm glad to see we're permanently best friends forever haha. to each our own and that's the way we like it. i appreciate everything she's done for me and knowing that i was the one that sent that text only showed me even more that the universe had a great plan with us meeting that day. to take care of each other where most just weren't able to. with an understanding of each other that most can't see. i am so lucky.

he said he didn't know how i do it. he was ready to go home after 4 days and letting me know that every time he opened his mouth to say something it was just another dig. i told him this silence has been my vacation. it hits me sometimes when i start realizing just the things i've had to go through because of him. he said it was to make me stronger but all he ever did was make me weak with insecurities. it wasn't until i finally realized he was full of lies and cruel intentions that i moved passed all of his words to find myself whole again. i'm strong despite him and i'm strong to spite him. i will be happy without him because i'm stronger than him. optimism found my heart despite him and i will continue to go that way because i have worked so hard to get myself where i am. and i didn't have anyone encouraging me or helping me when i was growing up. i just had pain, tears, and wounds to try and change me into the pathetic life everyone else adapted to. but i'll be damned if i let myself go that way. i take advantage of the fact that i only get to live this life one time and i will continue to take everything i can from it so i can be in that position one day and be completely satisfied in myself.

and when it comes down to the truth. i'll always be here for you with open arms.