Sunshine

Nas said, "Can't Forget About You" and I could hear classics running through my head. Trying to find the moment. The moment when you feel it all inside and the ice starts to melt and colors start to show.

I remember when I used to feel something about it. Now I tell people parts of my story and they start to shed tears of tragedy and I wish I had kept it all to myself. She looks at me and asks, "how do you even handle half the things you go through?" and I feel like an alien on my own.

She called and it made me feel human again. She speaks my language and I feel like I'm not such a stranger. We both serve as an encouraging reassurance for each other. She Knows me better than anyone which is why she's my person. She the only one. She's been the only consistent person in my life that wasn't my grandparents. I know it's nearly impossible to find anyone close to her but maybe it's just better that way.

I say this every year but i think I've finalized my opinions on the matter with this year. I give up on my birthday. It is officially cursed. I can literally go back to each birthday as far back as I can remember and name something that has done enough to ruin it. I have to deal with my heart in pieces, finding out I can never have kids, and I might have to go through all of this again?! Even if it's a week before my birthday it's before my birthday which means it just pours into it and even if I try my best for it not to, it just doesn't change anything. I'm hoping it will get better when I get out of here. But I want to believe you'll still think of me on that day. Wow...really?

I thought about her all day yesterday. It was like I could feel her in my soul and I knew I need to call. I got home walked into my room and she was calling me. I sole to her completely in Spanish. Just the sound of her voice brought me back to a place where I felt utterly comfortable. It was like finding a warm place to relax within myself. I would have done anything in that moment to hug her and thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. I depend on her for my humanity. I don't feel numb when she talks to me and it feels so real. Forever will I ever love my grandmother.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. And I'm still holding on.

"you're giving me the coldest stare like you don't even know I'm here."

There's this part of me. This completely incredible part of me that I know can give so much. Can offer so much. And I feel it dying. I feel it slipping away from me. Like its so tired of giving it away to only be rejected every time. And it's slipping from my fingers and I can't grab it anymore. It almost hurts more to even notice it was there. And that it all was wasted. Totally wasted. On people who didn't even care. And now he's telling me he wants me to be his girlfriend and he doesn't even really know me while the other one is planning incredible dates and impeccable surprises and none of it phases me. Because that part of me that cared. That part of me that gave a shit and want to give you so much, died and left me here not trusting any word they say.

They lost before they got past hello. And I know it's not their fault and it has nothing to do with them. And I've heard the whole thing about not letting your past ruin your future. But my past was a history lesson. A lesson of building tougher skin. I haven't begun picking up the pieces of my heart let alone assembling what's left of it. U don't know how and I don't know if I want to. I know it would take me by myself a while to fix what's been broken and I don't know how much I have in me at this point in time to do it.

It's like a hurricane and I'm so heavy in your arms and I still feel your skin and the pain in my veins has me longing for someone else's touch. Just do I can give it all up. But at the end of the day is rather just be alone reminiscing over the one that got away. The woman I used to be. The spirit that ran this body so wild and free. Content with the way you smelled on top of me. Fingers twisting my hair and the taste of the way it felt. But the sweat and tears couldn't replace the sound of your guilt. And I'm wrapped up in miserable dreams of nonexistent ideals. Surrender.