Light it up

And set fire to everything I want and can't have.

Today she called me. She had a long drive ahead of her and we've always had a free range of conversations. Years of a friendship I will constantly cherish even at 3000 miles away. She asked me what what was new and it all came out. She told me she is so proud of me and all my hard work. That I came out here to get things done and I am. And even though it's always worked for me that my career does well when I have virtually no love life, that it's better that way. That in my hometown they see me as a success. And I guess there is always a price that comes with it.

I went in and already knew they had no idea what they were doing. And I know these are things I need to take care of right away but as of right now it will have to wait till next week. He already told me the possibilities of children is not likely for me. Happy birthday to me. When I told her all she could do was cry. I knew she always hoped I would have the option but she doesn't realize that I still do. I adopted them for a reason and they will always be a part of me. I guess I'll find out the rest next week.

She wanted me to give him a chance and he did too. I went without any intention of caring. He sat across from me and we talked over crepes. For someone my age, intellectual, and interesting, I am still just so numb. I just can't trust anyone anymore. Well when it comes to my love life. I feel like there's a scar that runs so deep it can't heal because I keep getting cut in the same spot. So dramatic I know but whatever. Who cares?

He walked with me and I knew I had intrigued him. He saw what they all see and all it made me want to do is crawl back into my shell and hope he couldn't see me. No matter how much I hope he's genuinely as sweet as he makes himself out to be, at the end of the day I still don't trust it.

I feel like my heart might really be turning to ice. I had looked down and realized he had texted me. I read it and felt no sympathy. If this was the old me, I would have texted back "so now you care about how I feel?" but I'm too old for all that drama. And the damage has been done. So I press delete and go on with my day. Because why would I reply to open myself up more when we both know you already proved me a fool for doing that in the first place? I have hopeless hopes one day you'll mean it. But holding on is what makes me so numb to it all anyways.

"I just need you one more time. I can't get what we had out of my mind. But it seems we're going nowhere fast."

Until the next day came around and he comes to pick us up with our friends to takes us to a party. With no intention of doing anything else but giving us a ride so we didn't have to take the train. He kisses my cheek and tells me how beautiful I am and gets back into the car and drives off. They give me a look and I know what it means and we walk into the party.

He comes up to me standing over me at 6'2" and asks my name and if he can call me sometime. There are countless characteristics that have made up my mind that I don't want anything to do with him. But we're at his party at his house. He points at his Lexus, he pulls out his red motorcycle. And I could really give a shit as the other girls look at me like "why her?" he fiends for my attention but my attention is on dancing this feeling away. We are about to catch a cab until he says "let me take you home on my bike". She looks at me and the next thing I know we're on the back of two motorcycles in short shorts and I miss the feeling. That feeling of freedom and peace I always find when I'm on a motorcycle. With fireworks going off in the sky, I forget everything else around me and before I know it's over. He wants more from me but I never gave him anything to begin with and walk away.

And I don't even feel sorry for myself. Because then he turns around and says "You have a new piece in the next issue." and I'm back to reality. That none of you could be more important than my work. You are a carbon copy of all the rest of them. And that was the worst part. You knew that. You knew everything. And you never had an intention of sparing me.

" you had a good game. I must admit. I used to hang on to your every word...but I've heard it all before"

I just don't have it in me anymore and you don't have it in you to change. You said if I didn't believe people could change it was because I didn't believe in them. But you didn't give me anything to believe in and now it just hurts.