touble sleeping

i heard her speech and it hit me in such a way that i could feel it all over. because i can relate to everything she says. they're always wondering why i don't just let myself say it. why i don't just let myself embrace it. he's asking her why she won't just let him love her. and its so much more. i was a lionness. i was a force to be reckoned with. but i loved him. once upon a time i loved him. and he was my first real love. and when he got the chance he took pieces of me away. he took pieces of me and who i was and i became everything he wanted from me. and i became this person who wanted all the things he wanted. the big house. the kids. the cars. the wedding. and the whole thing about it was. i would've done it. i would've done it even though it was nothing of who i was. he had me. he had taken away so much from who i am that he had me. and he knew he did. and when he left, it shattered everything. and although i knew he wasn't coming back it was ok. everyone always asks why i would stay, why i would let someone do that to me. but it all because there someone who was some kind of someone that i feel in love with. and although that person left i always trying for him to come back. and when he left i knew it would never happen, and he took a lot of me with him.

and for a minute there i was struggling to find who i was again, but the i feel myself bring back more of that force all the time. and i've gotten my lionness back. but now its more dangerous than ever. because i love him more. i want him more. there's something there that is just so much more than that guy before. the stakes are higher and i just can't let myself be lost again to someone. not to say that he would do that to me. just to say that i'm so afraid of letting myself do it for the sake of love. but most of all. it scares me that i could love someone so much more, and he isn't even mine. and i don't really know how he feels and i don't even know if he thinks of me. so when i'm sitting here holding back its all i can do to keep myself from realizing this is so much more than before